Four horses missing after Aintree Ladies’ Day

FOUR horses remain unaccounted for after the annual ritual of Aintree “Ladies’ Day”.

In familiar scenes, thousands of local women ran amok at the Liverpool racecourse resulting in the abduction of 15 horses and the destruction of more than half the Grand National fences.

Officials said most of the animals had now returned and the last of the women had been forcibly ejected from the premises.

A spokesman said: “They get drunk incredibly quickly and then they become very sentimental and get all worried about the horses.

“Some of them attack the fences, which they believe to be cruel, while others attempt to rescue the horses and take them to a place of safety.

“The women then get into a massive fight with each other before falling asleep. Meanwhile, the horses eventually make their way back to the course by themselves.”

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Pope attacks Queen with bottle

POPE Francis tried to bottle the Queen yesterday after a comment about Henry VIII sparked a fight.

Previous royal visits to the Vatican have been conducted on an ‘agree-to-differ’ basis, but the monarch was goaded when the Pope made an offhand comment about her vast wealth.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “One minute they were exchanging gifts and the next they were wrestling on the ground with Prince Philip holding back the cardinals telling them ‘they had to work this shit out’.

“Neither had time to take their rings off, so when they’d finished their faces looked like five pounds of raw mince.”

The Pope greeted the Queen by asking if she had enough money yet and the Queen replied that Henry VIII could have got ‘quickie divorce’ by bribing Pope Clement VII with a carriage full of altar boys.

After a brief silence the Pope broke the bottle of Balmoral whisky he had been given and lunged at her.

The spokesman added: “His holiness was pretty handy but he’s messing with somebody who once put Robert Mugabe in a choke hold.”