Fuleco kidnapped by former World Cup mascots

THE 2014 World Cup mascot is being held for ransom by former mascots Pique the jalapeno and Gauchito.

Pique and Gauchito, mascots of the 1986 Cup in Mexico and 1978 in Argentina respectively, were filmed bundling armadillo Fuleco into an unmarked van before driving away.

Pique, who still wears his trademark sombrero, moved into the export industry after 1986 and built a small business into the feared Los Huachinangos, one of Mexico’s most powerful cocaine cartels.

Gauchito rebelled against the military junta ruling Argentina in 1976 and retreated into the Andes, from where he has fought a guerrila war for socialism ever since.

The pair, both bitter about being forgotten by their countries, have demanded $100,000,000 for the armadillo’s safe return, accompanied by video of him denouncing his corporate paymasters Coca-Cola while nervously glancing off-camera.

Fuleco is not the first World Cup mascot to be kidnapped. Naranjito the orange vanished two years after the World Cup in Spain in 1982, with rumours that the segments of his body that weren’t posted to government officials are in the foundations of a Costa del Sol hotel.

And World Cup Willy, England’s mascot in 1966, famously faked his own kidnapping with the aid of canine accomplice Pickles in an attempt to extort £100,000 from the Queen.

Dilma Rousseff, President of Brazil, said: “We have already lost Neymar. Beginning our semi-final with Fuleco’s head on a pole in the centre-circle would fatally damage team morale.”

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Mark Cavendish to continue Tour in car

INJURED Tour de France sprinter Mark Cavendish has announced that he will continue the race in his 2006 Renault Clio.

The cyclist, who was set to play a crucial part in someone else’s victory in one of sport’s greatest dick moves, told press that he’s getting too old for bikes anyway.

He continued: “The Clio’s passenger door doesn’t open after I dented against a pillar in a multi-storey car park.

“But it’s a good little runner, does well on hills or the flat and it’s got twin cupholders so I don’t have to wait for the support team to squirt a drink at my mouth.

“I really like the combination of wheels and an engine.”

Fans concerned that the damage to Cavendish’s ligaments might affect his performance were reassured that the Clio, a 1.4l Dynamique model, is an automatic.

Race director Christian Prudhomme said: “You know when we changed all the rules to stop doping?

“Well, funny story, we seem to have accidentally also removed the bits about having to ride a bike.

“Legally, we can’t stop him. Our only hope is that someone might enter in a faster car, for example a 2010 1.6l Kia Cee’d.”