Furious Mourinho forced to mix with Chelsea fans

JOSE Mourinho has blasted the FA after a referee made him breathe the same dirty air as fans of Chelsea FC.

The manager was sent off during Saturday’s game against Cardiff and had to stand next to Home Counties residents who ate cheese and onion crisps while sputtering their ignorance all over his nice cashmere coat.

Mourinho said: “First, I did not deserve a red card. Second, if I ever again receive a red card I shall demand the Shed End is emptied of fans before I go and stand in it.

“Inter Milan’s Ultras may be violent fascists, but they dress very stylishly and their vocabulary encompasses more than just ‘Oi oi oi.’

“Truly, the subhumans I had the misfortune to spend 25 minutes with are the scum dé la scum of footballing society.

“Though it has helped me to understand John Terry.”

The manager has since approached Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich with a proposal to spend £200 million buying the fans of Leeds United.

The Leeds fanbase consists entirely of refined top-hatted gentlemen who drink tea correctly from china cups.

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The Mash guide to keeping warm this winter

Follow the tips below for the best chance of re-emerging blinking into the sunlight in six months’ time:

Get fat
A good, thick layer of subcutaneous fat will make sure you’re toasty all through the winter months and provide an energy reserve for when you can’t afford food. Start gorging on pies now.

Get drunk
Drinking spirits like whiskey and gin can make you feel warm. In fact alcohol causes blood vessels to dilate, lowering core body temperature. Or not. But whatever, you still feel warm.

Work harder
Too cold at home? Most employers will let you stay on at work as long as you continue being useful, for no extra charge.

Look intimidating
If you’re worried about your annual heating bills, put on a jumper. If you put on a hoodie, you are either too young to worry about heating bills or too old to wear a hoodie.

Listen to warm music
Listening to the right music will give a psychological feeling of warmth. Try The Heat Is On by Glenn Frey, Hot In The City by Billy Idol, Disco Inferno by The Trammps or Blowtorch Slaughter by Cannibal Corpse.

Smoke cigarettes
Smoke indoors, because every winter several hundred people go outside for a fag and almost immediately freeze to death. Also a lit cigarette is a small fire, so encourage your children to gather around it and warm their tiny hands.