'Living each day like it's your last' an incredibly stupid idea

BEHAVING as if you are going to die tomorrow will lead to humiliating and possibly deadly situations, experts have warned.

For decades tattoos, Hollywood films and people at backpackers’ hostels have recommended living every day like it is your last.

However 31-year-old office worker Tom Logan said: “There’s this girl in marketing I’ve always liked, but I was scared she was out of my league. Then I watched the film Point Break on cable and decided to ‘live in the moment’.

“I approached her in front of the whole team and said ‘there’s something I need to tell you’, then I grabbed her, leaned her backwards like in those pictures of returning American GIs and kissed her fully on the lips.

“Now I’m getting done for sexual harassment. I’ve lost my job and the local paper has labelled me a sex pest. I should add that this happened yesterday. Today is today, I am still very much alive, just having a total nightmare.”

28-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I punched my line manager and drove a sports car into a river, because, well, carpe diem. Now I am going to prison for two years, where I will continue to live on the edge but in a less fun way.”

Philosopher Mary Fisher said: “People should live every day like they’re going to be alive for the remainder of their natural life span.

“It’s obvious really.”

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Morrissey actually hard

THE memoir of pop singer Morrissey has revealed his voracious appetite for lager and fighting.

Autobiography opens with an account of rucking in a Carlisle nightclub, during the singer’s stridently heterosexual phase.

He writes: “It was 1981 and I was trying to pull a couple of hairdressers from Carlisle in ‘Silkz’ nightclub by saying I did Elvis covers on the cruise ships. That’s why I got the daft quiff.

“One of them looked like a Buzzcocks roadie so I needed her palming off on somebody. I sees this soppy-looking bloke asking the DJ whether he had any Byrds so I shouts “Oi, mate, I’ve got one here but she’s a bit of a tugboat”.

“He looked back at me a bit old-fashioned so I belted him. That was the first time I met Johnny Marr.”

The singer later explains how he was labelled a vegetarian: “Those arseholes at the NME took me out for a meal so I thought ‘If these southern wankers are paying, I’ll have the dearest thing on the menu’.

“Turns out to be steak tartare, which is sort of a raw quarter-pounder. It must’ve been stored next to a radiator or something because I spent the next three days on the bog.

“I says to the NME bloke ‘Never again’ and he only goes and prints it as me announcing I’m a steak-dodger.”

On The Smiths re-forming, he writes: “Work with those trio of twats? Sod that. Mike Joyce has still got my belt sander and he bleeding well knows it.”