Bob Geldof's apocalyptic visions for 2014

If you young people thought 2013 was the worst year since the beginning of time, just wait til you get to 2014.

You need to act now because the next war won’t be a World War One, or even a World War Two. It will be a World War Three. And they’ll just keep escalating numerically like that, much the same way as That’s What I Call Music. This shit is happening TODAY.

Just one of the many events in 2014 which will bring about extinction of the human race will be the launch of Google Glass.Young people will be so engrossed in their Google glasses that they’ll wipe themselves out by blindly ambling into driving ranges and abattoirs. It’s time to WAKE UP, kids! You’ll kill us all.

Illegal file sharing will also be a huge problem. I guess youths think it’s okay to sit around all day, listening to their racket of ‘Skrillex’ and ‘Adele’. But while you’re doing this, a chunk of ice as big as an acre of rainforest the size of twelve football pitches will break off the North pole and float right into your parents’ garden where it will melt and cause significant damage to carpets and upholstery. When you go to sleep that night, the bed will be full of krill.

Then, the fracking gets you. Fracking will swallow your house and all your stuff in a series of little earthquakes, which is also the name of the confessional debut album by Tori Amos. When your house disappears into the bowels of the earth with you inside it, you’ll use your last breath to hum the title track and you’ll finally understand how Tori felt when she got her period. And don’t call me crying at this point, cause me and Tori will be busy working on our new stuff – a Joycean stream of consciousness piece about nuns and toilets and things like that.

To hell with the lot of youse, anyway.

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Nerds fear getting Malcolm Gladwell book for Christmas

NERDS have asked well-meaning relatives not to give them the new Malcolm Gladwell book for Christmas.

The nerds announced that a paperback of David And Goliath would be a worse gift than a Big Bang Theory box set, a Schrödinger’s cat t-shirt or a Dr Dreadful Food Lab edible chemistry set.

Tom Logan, a Physics PhD candidate said “My Mum actually rang me up to tell me about Gladwell’s book. She said ‘It’s about science! You do science!’”

“I’m working on a force and motion project right now, and it would honestly be more helpful if she bought me a Terry’s Chocolate Orange.”

Emma Bradford, the aunt of a computer programmer, said: “Last Christmas we got our nephew a film called Demon Seed about an evil computer that gets Julie Christie pregnant, but I don’t think he liked it that much.

“I thought he might like the Gladwell book because it probably mentions computers and his sort of thing, but he says it’s ‘populist pseudo social science from a media mouthpiece’.

“Maybe it’s about the wrong sort of computers.”

Malcom Gladwell said: “There’s no money at all in writing for the hardcore nerd science market, but once you do a more accessible book their elderly relatives will hear about, you’re quids in.

“I shall be spending Christmas in Antigua, as long as sales projections hold and no-one remembers to ask for gift vouchers.”