Further arrests in anti-Big Club conspiracy

DOZENS of referees, players and public officials have been rounded up as part of the investigation into a conspiracy against big Premier League clubs.

The probe began amid evidence that the complaints of managers Louis Van Gaal, Jose Mourinho and Arsene Wenger are not pathetic, childish whinging designed to deflect from their own abject failures.

Police now believe there is a concerted plot involving a vast network to ensure that big clubs do not win every single game in which they were involved.

Detective Inspector Tom Booker said: “We found evidence of players trying especially hard when playing against, for example, Chelsea.

“Bradford City in the FA Cup was a particular example. Would Bradford have played like that against Torquay? It is all very fishy.”

Meanwhile, Booker stressed there was no conspiracy against Liverpool because they are just very bad at football.


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Museum to remove size zero dinosaur

LONDON’S Natural History Museum will remove a fat-shaming dinosaur exhibit, it has confirmed.

For decades the slender diplodocus, with every single one of its ribs visible, has greeted visitors with its trim and once-enviable late-Jurassic physique.

But campaigners have long argued that it sent out the wrong message about what constitutes a healthy exhibit and caused people to judge woolly mammoths harshly.

Curator Wayne Hayes said: “The diplodocus skeleton set an unattainable standard in 180ft-long sauropod beauty.

“Fashions change in the museum world, and we need to reflect that with a massive dead animal that celebrates its natural curves.”

From 2017 the diplodocus will be replaced by a blue whale, which curators believe more accurately reflects modern Britain with its unfocused spirituality, constant consumption and thick layer of blubber.

Hayes continued: “We’ve had the whale in storage since 1891 but the public just weren’t ready to accept the voluptuous beauty of a size-4,820 exhibit before now.

“Dippy the diplodocus is a product of its time, 65 million years ago, when society believed you could never be too thin or have too long a neck.”