Gemma Atkinson's Chimp To Fight New Madonna Baby

HOLLYOAKS star Gemma Atkinson is to pit her new chimpanzee against Madonna's Malawian baby in the latest round of Celebrity Toddler Fight Club: Adopted!

The two year-old chimpanzee is the early favourite despite rumours the Queen of Pop has trained her child in the ways of Kabaddi, the much-feared Jewish martial art.
Atkinson said: "I'm not really supposed to talk about Celebrity Toddler Fight Club, but I will tell you this – my chimpanzee is red-hot.

"I've trained a lot of fighting monkeys over the years, but I've never seen one this hungry for it. It's going to take more than some fancy Jewish karate to stop this boy."

If successful the chimpanzee will face a child from the respected Mia Farrow stable, with the stage then set for a pulsating climax against one of Angelina Jolie's Vietnamese babies.

The hit BBC Four show has brought the visceral thrill of celebrity toddler fighting to millions and spawned a new generation of would-be champions.

Showbiz expert Nathan Muir said: "Allotment superstars Keira Knightley and James McAvoy and Indiana Jones sex-bomb Shia LaBeouf are all desperate to adopt babies and train them for the fighting pit."

BBC Four controller Melissa Hayes added: "All the toddlers on Celebrity Toddler Fight Club: Adopted! are trained professionals, but please don't let that stop you from adopting a baby and trying this at home."

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Undiagnosed Dementia Leads To Daily Mail, Say Experts

RISING numbers of undiagnosed dementia sufferers has led to the Daily Mail, new research suggests.

RISING numbers of undiagnosed dementia sufferers has led to the Daily Mail, new research suggests.

The Alzheimer's Society claims it has established a link between the Daily Mail and a massive rise in the number of people who look normal but are clinically out of their tree.

It is recommending that if doctors suspect mental illness or dementia their first question should always be: "Do you read the Daily Mail?"

Report author Julian Cook added: "It is a highly sophisticated product that knows its market inside out – it is written by the insane, for the insane."

Daily Mail reader, Bill McKay, said: "Now where did I put my copy of the Daily Mail? I suppose some Bulgarian gypsy woman has thieved it.

"The thing about this country, right, is that it's run by muslim celebrities and their boyfriends at the Co-op.

"Cameron's not much better, what with all his Notting Hill pig-sex orgies. Peter Hitchens should challenge him to a bare-knuckle boxing match in the nude so we can all see who has the tightest thigh muscles."

He added: "The Bishop of Rochester is right – you really can't tell that Natasha Kaplinsky is pregnant."