Glasgow Launches Bid For ‘Swearing Olympics’
GLASGOW city leaders today unveiled a £40 million package of incentives in their bid to host the 2014 Commonmouth Games – the Olympics of world swearing.
The famously abusive Scottish city faces a serious foul-mouthed rival for the prestigious event in the shape of Nigeria's Abuja, the cursing capital of West Africa.
But Glasgow bid supremo Harry Keek said he was sure the city’s package of incentives and outright bribes meant it could confidently tell Abuja to "get to fuck".
Mr Keek said much of the incentive package would be directed into swearing promotion, in particular potty-mouth training for the under-fives in Glasgow and the rest of the developing world.
He said: "The games are all about celebrating the top arseing swearers in the world today, but there is no pissing point unless we invest to bring on the next cocking generation."
The city has designed a new promotional logo featuring a smiling child and the slogan "Fuck Glasgow 2014".
The bid has received strong support from William McKay, Glasgow's own World Freestyle Swearing Champion.
"What in the name of tits are you looking at? Bastarding arsemonkeys. Shit off. Twat!"
Glasgow has submitted a formidable bid and can put forward a strong case with many of the facilities it needs to stage a major swearing event already in place.
With Hampden, Celtic Park and Ibrox, the city already has the world's three most respected swearing venues, all of which frequently stage events attracting 60,000-plus crowds of unbelievably foul-mouthed amateur swearers.
Meanwhile Sauchiehall Street holds the current record for the number of "speccy wee shites" aimed at a single bespectacled man by drunken bystanders over a 1500 metre stroll on a Friday evening.
While Glasgow is confident in its facilities it is also controversially offering a series of freebies to the selection committee as part of its bid to win their backing.
Each will be offered a free bed for the duration of the event in the city centre hostel where McKay honed his skills.
At the same time each will be given two complimentary 'arses', one 'cock' and a 'fanny' to be used against a sullen taxi driver of their choice.
Boala Koje, the Nigerian Minister for Swearing, said Glasgow’s bid was strong but he was sure Abuja would triumph.
He said: "They both really are super efforts, put together by professional teams. It will be a great contest and it is a great shame that, in the end, some fucker has to lose."