Golf ‘not good’

RYDER Cup fans have been warned that golf is a boring pastime for twats.

Like pinball for middle managers

The tournament attracted a global audience of millions who enjoyed seeing rich Americans getting crushed by defeat.

However experts have warned the public against participating in golf.

Psychologist Tom Logan said: “Once golf finds its way into a life, it claims it completely. Your friends are replaced by arseholes, your clothes by a clown’s, your speaking voice by a penetrating bray.

“You will never again receive a Christmas present, a birthday card, a moment of intimacy that is not golf-related. You will throw out all books in your house that are not about golf and refuse to drink any alcohol that has not been in a decanter.

“Golf will become your master.”

Roy Hobbs of Belfast said: “Not being a bellend, I’ve never known much about golf.

“But after this weekend I know the difference between a birdie and a bogey, and I’ve bought a £2,500 set of carbon-fibre golf clubs that came with free compulsory UKIP membership.”

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FIFA 15 knows which players are secretly gay

THE new FIFA game is so realistic that it knows if players are smokers, drug addicts or closeted homosexuals.

The information, based on motion capture research, can be used for distracting players mid-match.

Gamer Tom Booker said: “I was two-nil up when, during a tackle, the opposition midfielder unexpectedly slipped my striker his phone number.

“After that the controls went shaky and the camera wouldn’t focus on any other players.”

Programmer Julian Cook said: “With the right algorithms you can tell which players are gay, which are still denying it even to themselves and which meet for trysts in anonymous airport hotels during international breaks.

“We’ve included that as an unlockable minigame, not that any gamers would want to bother because they’re all very secure in their heterosexuality.”