Green jacket yearning for a woman's touch

GOLF’S famous green jacket is absolutely desperate to feel the warmth of a woman’s body, it has emerged.

The garment, which has been presented to the winner of every all-male Augusta Masters since 1937, said: “It’s been a non-stop sausage party in here for seventy-six years.”

“Just once, I’d like to drape myself around a beautiful, athletic woman, and have her run her fingers under my lapels and play with my stitching. I’d even let her knot my arms together and wear me like a cape.”

“If that could happen, just one time, it would almost make up for the years of having champagne spilled on me by pudgy right-wingers in dreadful trousers.”

Sympathy for the green jacket came from the Tour de France’s yellow jersey, which relied on drugs to get it through a particularly lonely period.

It said: “All you can do is pray some lady cleaner takes you home out of pity. And in the meantime, stay strong, breathable, and waterproof.”

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Internet users told to change all passwords to swearing

WEB users should change their passwords to really dirty swearing, it has been claimed.

Experts warned the only way to stop Russian hackers stealing everything was by creating super-obscene passwords.

IT security consultant Stephen Malley said: “Your current passwords are something lame like ‘Gary1977’ or your dog’s name. You need to swap them for swearing because the Russian hackers don’t know our rude words.

“The dirtier a password, the more secure it is.

“‘Havingawank01’ is weak but ‘shitfuckorgyfanny69’ is strong, especially as not many people use the word ‘orgy’ these days.”

Mary Fisher, 67, said: “As a ‘silver surfer’ I find these things a bit confusing. I already had ‘fistmyfishym1nge’ as my Lloyds password, just because it sprang to mind at the time, but is it lewd enough?”