GOLFS famous green jacket is absolutely desperate to feel the warmth of a womans body, it has emerged.
The garment, which has been presented to the winner of every all-male Augusta Masters since 1937, said: Its been a non-stop sausage party in here for seventy-six years.
Just once, Id like to drape myself around a beautiful, athletic woman, and have her run her fingers under my lapels and play with my stitching. Id even let her knot my arms together and wear me like a cape.
If that could happen, just one time, it would almost make up for the years of having champagne spilled on me by pudgy right-wingers in dreadful trousers.
Sympathy for the green jacket came from the Tour de Frances yellow jersey, which relied on drugs to get it through a particularly lonely period.
It said: All you can do is pray some lady cleaner takes you home out of pity. And in the meantime, stay strong, breathable, and waterproof.