Hoddle hoping to get a game at QPR

GLENN Hoddle believes that signing to QPR will result in his getting a regular midfield run-out.

Still looks like a relatively healthy TV cop

56-year-old Hoddle believes that logic-based prejudice against his unusual belief that he can still play at the top professional level has prevented him from getting his chance.

He said: “Since I left Chelsea 20 years ago, I feel I’ve not been allowed to fulfil my potential on the field that was so obvious back in 1975.

“I thought I’d get my chance when I was managing England in the 1998 World Cup. I was going to pick myself for the quarter final but that idiot Beckham loused things up.

“I coach kids now, and I tell them, ‘You’re rubbish! Give up! None of you are any good. Not like me. I should be playing out there, not you.’ And sure enough, none of them goes on to succeed, which shows I’m right. 

“I’m like my haircut. It was good enough back in the 1970s and it’s good enough now.

“I mean, it’s QPR, for Christ’s sake. If they’re letting Rio Ferdinand play, I should be first name on the team sheet.”

Hoddle is also optimistic of reviewing his pop partnership with Chris Waddle: “I reckon we’d fill out the O2 Arena if we reformed. We had class, we could carry a tune.

“Not like One Direction. I should be lead singer of One Direction.”

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Being alone better than spending time with most people

NOT socialising is preferable to hanging out with annoying people, it has been claimed.

New research found that 10 per cent of people have no close friends, often because they cannot find any humans they want to spend time with.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Humans are getting less likeable, to the point where most social interaction is painful.

“Loneliness is the lesser of two evils when you compare watching telly to being in a chain bar with a group of creatine addicts in fancy trousers talking about their money.”

Office administrator Emma Bradford said: “I would be up for having more friends if people in general weren’t such a bunch of twats.

“All the conversation at work is about Graze boxes or why whoever’s off sick is evil.

“It’s not ideal but I’ve decided to become unhealthily obsessed with my cat.”

Professor Brubaker said: “By 2114 the concept of friendship will have been phased out, everyone will either be ‘business contacts’ or ‘sex partners’.

“It’s all part of the glorious grand plan to make you shut the fuck up and keep working.”