Hull City are to buy Michael Owen with a view to breaking the player down for parts.
The England striker is set to leave Newcastle after the club decided its Premiership fight back stood a greater chance of success with younger, more promising players battling for a place on the treatment table.
Hull coach Phil Brown said: "He's got a great footballing brain, a lovely right foot and has massive heart. All great assets in the bodies of players who aren't made of dry twigs."
Brown said his bid for Owen was prompted after receiving a DVD advertising the sometimes-striker, adding: "It was a showreel of goals mixed with Michael clutching his thigh in agony, although I did notice none of the footage was dated after 2001."
Owen's parts have been earmarked, with Nick Barmby set for a major overhaul. Brown said: "Nick's been in decline for years but he'll be back to his best after we've fitted him Michael Owen's hips and eyelids."
He added: "I just hope Parcelforce don't jiggle him about too much in transit. I don't want any toes falling off leading to a big argument with Newcastle about whether the toes had already fallen off before they posted him."
On completion of the limb and organ harvesting, Owen will be refitted with reconditioned player parts from the Hull squad. A club spokesman said he would eventually look like a 'clean-cut, twinkle-eyed bag of offal'.
Meanwhile Owen's hamstrings will be sold to British Nuclear Fuels who have been searching desperately for a substance with a shorter half-life than enriched Uranium.