Indians allowed into pavilion bar

ENGLAND have rewarded India’s act of noble savagery by admitting them to the Trent Bridge bar to drink amongst gentlemen.

After Ian Bell was ushered back to the crease having been rudely distracted by a run-out decision, the ECB have acknowledged that their opponents may one day achieve civilisation.

A video of the incident is to be sent to the West Indian and Australian cricket boards as an example of how ex-colonies should behave toward their betters.

ECB chief, Roy Hobbs, said: “Dashed decent of the fuzzies to give Belly another bash and we may even consider letting them use the showers at Edgbaston.

“Ordinarily they have to hose themselves down in the groundkeeper’s shed but, by golly, I think they’ve earned it.”

Hobbs added: “When Belly was given his papers, I went to speak with their tribal leader Dhoni to point out this wasn’t on and he’d feel the business end of my swagger stick if he didn’t buck his ideas up.

“But do you know, he was civility itself and said he’d had a pow-wow with the rest of his chaps and already decided to do the square thing. So after the day’s play, I thought we’d let convention hang and allow them into the bar for the first time – not at the firewater, of course, as it sends them off their rocker.”

India’s decision has been hailed as a great example of sportsmanship but several Premier League football clubs have condemned it as failing to enter into the spirit of being a shower of complete arseholes.

Sir Alex Ferguson said: “What I don’t understand is why the wicket keeper doesn’t flick the batsman in the swingers while nobody’s looking.”


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Last-minute US deal prevents certain death of everybody in world

THE violent death of every human being was prevented last night after some American politicians agreed to get some more money.

The eleventh hour deal means you will not now die screaming because the United States government was unable to pay the right amount of interest on some money it borrowed from some banks.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “The deaths would have started within seconds.

“For some it would simply have been a case of their head bursting open, perhaps on a bus or in a supermarket.

“For others it would have been a strangling sensation, much as if Darth Vader had been pointing his magic finger at them.”

But some commentators have warned that even though the United States is now able to borrow non-lethal amounts of money, unless Portugal and Italy can either borrow more or less money then everybody in Europe will be dead by Thursday. And so will all trees and flowers.

And the little pussycats.

Denys Finch-Hatton, chief sayer of sooths and rancid chicken gut fiddler at the Daily Telegraph, said the Great Eagle of Asgarath had been sighted on the horizon and that all must end in the fiery pit where dwelleth the five year Spanish gilt yields.

His eyes then rolled backwards in his head and he fell to the floor yelling ‘buy ye gold or perish!’.

Julian Cook added: “Despite the deal, it’s important to remember that we must all continue to live in constant, life-shortening fear because of this entirely abstract system we have created and could, if we had even a shred of imagination or genuine compassion for one another, dismantle right fucking now.

“But why play jazz vibraphone and swap vegetables when you can wake up every morning with a knot in your stomach that won’t go away until you finally drink yourself to sleep at 2am?”