Jack Wilshere hailed as role model by kids who smoke

SMOKING kids believe they have finally found a role model in Arsenal midfielder Jack Wilshere.

Underage smokers say Wilshere, who was pictured enjoying a cigarette outside a nightclub, proves they can achieve their dreams.

13-year-old Julian Cook said: “Every day, us kid smokers face prejudice from adults.

“Especially Mr Phillips the PE teacher who is the biggest twat alive.

“I’ve spent the last fortnight in detention after getting caught having a gasper behind the science block.

“But seeing a professional footballer smoking gives me the strength to persist with my habit.

“I don’t need to change – I need to change the world. While smoking.”

Doctor Mary Fisher said: “Ossie Ardiles was on 40-a-day when he won the World Cup with Argentina.

“Also Gazza loved his fags and he’s totally fine.

“A lot of teen smokers are underachieving at school because they feel stigmatised.

“They need more successful smokers to look up to. Imagine what a huge morale boost it would be if Jessica Ennis started blazing 40 Lamberts a day.”

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Scientists unveil half-doughnut cow

THE ‘cownut’ is the latest advance in humanity’s quest for doughnut variants.

By combining bovine and dough DNA, scientists have created a quadruped with a sweet beige hide that has a thick layer of warm custard beneath the surface.

Geneticist Dr Tom Booker explained: “It’s one of the key questions occupying humanity’s greatest minds – how can we keep the doughnut interesting?

“‘Cronuts’, ‘doughssants’ and ‘duffins’ are all very well but they’re really just variants on the ‘sticky beige disc’ format.

“The cownut however is a completely new species that offers untried flavour experiences.

“First bite dough, second bite custard, third bite meat.

“It looks and behaves just like a normal cow, apart from being sticky to the touch and having a sweet odour.”

Dr Booker hopes the cownut will allow people in remote parts of the world, where bakeries may be unviable, to experience a sugary treat.

He added: “You need to taste cownut veal. That succulent meat combined with the sweet, sticky flesh. Wow.

“Perhaps it’s time they introduced a Nobel prize for baking.”