John Terry's Chelsea farewell 'a bit over the top', says North Korea


JOHN Terry’s Chelsea farewell was a bit too much pomp and ceremony, according to North Korea.

After watching Terry’s 26th-minute substitution and subsequent guard of honour, North Korea’s president Kim Jong Un declared it all a bit excessive.

The dictator said: “Everyone should give themselves a pat on the back every now and again but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.

“That guy’s ego is way out of control, and the people around him obviously feel pressured into kissing his arse.

“It’s a reminder that sometimes we all need to show a bit of humility.”

Others who found Terry’s exit a bit grandiose include Apollo Creed from Rocky, stadium rock band Motley Crue and rapper Kanye West.

West said: “It’s not like he’s the greatest rapper in the history of the world. He’s not even the best centre half of the last 10 years, quite frankly.

“That guy seems a bit cocky to me, and bear in mind I say that as Kanye West.”

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Corbyn victory impossible because elections 100 per cent predictable these days

JEREMY Corbyn cannot win the election because polls are always totally accurate, it has been confirmed.

The Labour Party is still behind in opinion polls, which makes the election a foregone conclusion because nothing even vaguely unexpected has happened in British or international politics for ages.

Political analyst Susan Traherne said: “Jeremy Corbyn is an outsider, seen as a maverick and disliked by the political establishment but is enjoying increasingly strong popular support.

“He’s especially well-liked among the pissed-off lower-income workers and people who have never voted before.

“Meanwhile the lady who is the certain winner is running a lacklustre campaign, and struggling to ‘seize the narrative’ as I believe some Americans may have said recently.

“She comes across as a bit cold and lacking in charisma, although I’m sure that won’t be a problem.

“After all, some of Corbyn’s policies are ‘economic suicide’ and British people would never support anything like that just.”

She added: “I cannot think of any similar situations in the recent past and I wouldn’t even bother voting to be honest.”