You like this

THIS is what you like, it has been confirmed.

You find this magical and enchanting. You particularly enjoyed reading about how much it all cost, from the booze to the chairs which are made of special wood and came from a special shop in Kent.

Although you accept that you were not worthy to attend such an exquisite event, you briefly imagined yourself as a guest.

In your mind, Pippa welcomed you personally with a glass of champagne. She said: “I’m so glad you could come. Here’s a free drink of something very expensive and a thing with a huge prawn on it.

“We’ve put you on a table with celebrities. There’s David Beckham, and thingy off Country File, and someone from a successful pop-opera band.

“And here’s a big fucking bowl of free Wotsits, fill your boots.”

Then you came back to reality with a start, because Pippa would never tolerate anything as horrid as Wotsits and only your grubby, common little mind could have thought of that.

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Everyone on crowded train delighted by precocious child

THE delightful antics of a wonderful, talented child have pleased everyone on a crowded train.

Over a period of 45 minutes, seven year-old Jake Logan showed off his wit, singing ability, running speed and impression of a dinosaur – calming and cheering otherwise tired and fractious commuters.

Jake’s parents encouraged his free, creative play whilst beaming at other passengers at his cleverness and were met with happy, approving nods in return.

Commuter Alice Hague said: “When I got on this rather crowded train I was already very badly pissed off after a massively shit day at work.

“The only thing that made this stressful journey bearable was this delightful child.

“This utterly fucking delightful child.”