Jose Mourinho increasingly resembles caretaker from Scooby-Doo

UNITED manager Jose Mourinho increasingly resembles the Scooby-Doo caretaker who has found gold on the premises, players have claimed.

The manager is doing everything he can to put people off visiting Old Trafford, even greeting coaches at the gate and warning them of the ‘terrible curse’ of his ‘third season in charge’. 

Midfielder Juan Mata said: “He looms from the darkness with his terrible, haunted face shouting at strangers to stay away because the board won’t sanction their transfer. 

“The things he says are nonsensical fearmongering – I’m pretty sure Paul Scholes isn’t buried on the edge of the 30-yard box, ready to drag anyone hoofing it forward to hell – but the younger lads believe every word. 

“During games he often disappears from the dugout as if down a hidden stairway only returning once we’ve all but lost, his pockets clinking with doubloons. 

“We’ve found clues including a map of pirate treasure, a shipping container booked for passage to Argentina and plane tickets, but none of us can put them together. We’re not Velma.”

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Man complains sci-fi film is 'a bit far-fetched'

A MAN has complained about a science fiction film being ‘far-fetched’ and ‘unrealistic’.

Stephen Malley is an avid fan of the original comic book version of ‘Captain Vision & the Meteorbots’, but criticised the PG rated movie adaptation for being ‘childish nonsense’.

He explained: “Take that ridiculous scene where Caption Vision gives up the Jupiter Crystal to save the life of his arch-enemy Glarik the Destroyer.

“We all know Glarik murdered Vision’s father by throwing him in the time vortex, so for hard-boiled tough guy Captain Vision to show pity like that just seemed a little but ridiculous.

“Sure it was a neat way to the resolve the story as the Space Monks then rewarded Vision’s compassion with the psychic powers necessary to save the Universe, but for me the story structure was simply unbelievable.

“And don’t get me started on the characterisation of Three-Heads, the three headed leader of the Meteorbots. His dialogue was so bad it made it simply impossible for me to suspend my disbelief.

“I’ve never been this angry since the last three Captain Vision movies I watched, and fingers crossed I won’t feel this way about the one coming out next summer as well.”