Joubert looking forward to walking holiday in Scotland

RUGBY referee Craig Joubert is keen to get started on a hiking break around Scotland.

The South African rugby official has planned a route around remote parts of Scotland where there is no phone reception even in an emergency.

Craig Joubert said: “After the World Cup I’ll be pretty worn out so it’ll be lovely to have a proper holiday. My plan is to travel all over Scotland, enjoying the famous warm hospitality of its proud but warm-hearted natives.

“I’m looking forward to chatting to fellow rugby lovers in pubs, as well as getting out into the Highlands where the locals live largely without laws.

“I thought there might be some sour grapes about the World Cup thing but several Scottish people have already been in touch with suggested routes.

“A group of them has offered to me meet in an isolated bothy up a mountain, it’ll be a real privilege to see it as apparently nobody ever goes there.”

However the foreign office travel advice for Scotland has been changed today to an orange alert with the warning ‘safe for everyone except Craig Joubert’.

Scot Tom Logan said: “We Scots are a famously forgiving nation and everyone makes mistakes. That said, if I see Joubert I will kill and eat him.”

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Government powerless to intervene in non-banking industry

THE government has confirmed there is absolutely nothing it can do to save the non-London-based steel industry. 

Amid the prospect of thousands of redundancies, the business secretary said he wishes there was something he could do. 

Sajid Javid added: “Tragically, the industry has been hit by a perfect storm of being in the provinces, traditionally supporting Labour and not being financial services. 

“Add that to us not wanting to do anything that might offend our new Chinese friends, and there’s absolutely nothing we are prepared to do. 

“If only these plants manufactured something useful, like insurance derivatives supported by credit default swaps, then we’d gladly go billions into debt for them. 

“But steel? What’s that even for?”

Steelworker Roy Hobbs said: “People are over mass-produced steel anyway. I’m moving into artisanal hand-beaten bronze for the hipster market.”