Lawrenson’s Premier League predictions full of apocalyptic imagery

MARK Lawrenson’s predictions for the weekend’s Premier League games include ‘blood moons’ and ‘gnashing of teeth’, it has emerged.

The former Liverpool defender shocked his BBC employers by indicating that he expects the total collapse of civilisation just before the late kick-off at Manchester City.

Lawrenson’s forecasts include a plague of locusts at Aston Villa-West Brom and the arrival of the four horsemen on the St James’ Park pitch, playing Watford onside for their opening goal.

A BBC source said: “We were more hoping for Lawro to say the first goal would be important at Stoke v Leicester rather than detail a biblical doomsday scenario, but he is known for his bold predictions.

“Obviously it would be nice to be able to say that you heard it here first, but then again it would also be nice if mankind didn’t perish in a wave of lava followed by a foul pestilence.”

Bookmakers have been inundated with bets on Lawro’s forecasts, slashing odds on Steve McClaren being decapitated by a dragon with the head of a boar to 3/1, making it fractionally more likely than him making it to Christmas as Newcastle boss.

Lawrenson said: “The conditions are going to be the same for both sides, so it really is a case of who refuses to let the wails of despair affect their game plan.

“It’s easy to play nice football in the August sun, but when you’re 1-0 down away from home and your goalkeeper’s been devoured by a succubus that’s when you see what you’re really made of.”

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Queen records Jeremy Corbyn diss track

THE Queen is escalating her beef with Jeremy Corbyn by recording a blistering diss track. 

The monarch, furious at the Labour leader’s refusal to worship her, is in the studio with producer PurpDogg laying down lyrics that will ‘absolutely slay’ Corbyn.

A Royal source said: “I haven’t seen Liz this mad since the Suez Crisis, and it’s all coming out on wax.

“Nothing’s off-limits: Corbyn’s £6 Polish barber haircut, his dusty 1970s Communist-lite politics, that he doesn’t own a single necklace worth more than £400,000.

“Her Royal Highness is stepping to him and you bet he’s going to come up short. Her rhymes are mad vicious, all delivered with that cut-glass voice and using the majestic plural.

“In case the beef turns violent, she will start carrying a Glock 19 with mother-of-pearl inlay stocks, presented to her by Archduke P. Diddy of the House of Bad Boy Records in 2001.”