Lewis Hamilton is 86 years-old

LEWIS Hamilton’s recent dip in form is because he is actually in his mid eighties, it has emerged.

After picking up penalty points for spending the entire race in India with his hazard lights on, the McLaren driver has further enraged his employers by asking if his sister Enid can be in the car with him for the rest of the season.

The team’s engineers are now hurriedly trying to adapt Hamilton’s car into a two-seater with room for a packed lunch, a thermos of tea and an enormous box of tissues on the dashboard.

Since the discovery of Hamilton’s real age, experts have analysed cockpit recordings from his 2008 championship winning season and determined he drove so quickly because he was on statins at the time and also believed he was being pursued by ‘dagoes’.

After the Indian grand prix Hamilton said: “I was busy keeping my eye on my wallet, because I was stationed here during the war and I know what the locals are like and the next thing I know some dirty bugger nearly shunts me off the road.

“It shook me up so badly I had to switch off Chris Evans and stop into the garage to see if anybody got the feller’s number plate.

“But they tried stealing my tires so I just drove off again.”

F1 bosses have asked Hamilton to settle his differences with Felipe Massa after several clashes between the pair but the British driver and former local magistrate is insistent Massa is a neighbour that borrowed a lawnmower off him in 1973 and never returned it.

Hamilton added: “He knows what he said to me during that Christmas social at the Conservative Club and he knows I used to box in the army so he’s lucky I’ve not given him what for.”


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Britain dares Charles to block legislation

PRINCE Charles should try blocking legislation, just to see what happens, it was claimed last night.

As it emerged the Prince has been asked to give his consent to a series of parliamentary bills, Britain said they would absolutely love it if he said no.

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, said: “I’ve been waiting for an excuse and this one would have a rich, historical precedent.

“It would make me feel as if I had some constitutional significance, like Oliver Cromwell, rather than just being someone who wants to beat up a hippy.”

He added: “When we topple him, I’d like the Aston Martin. And then I’ll reconvert so it runs on petrol again, just to annoy him.”

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “I’m a bit pissed off just now anyway, what with all the ‘stuff’ that’s happening, so an arrogant prince of the realm using parliament as his plaything would really be the icing on the cake, you know, revolution-wise.

“I reckon we should also make a list of all the government ministers who asked for his consent. I like the idea of ‘show trials’. Gives the whole thing a bit of razzmatazz.

“We could stage them in a West End theatre and everyone could have a coach trip to London.

“Watch a monarchist lickspittle be dragged off to the gallows, couple of tunes from Mick Hucknall and then main course and pudding at the Aberdeen Angus Steakhouse.”

She added: “Wouldn’t arrest the Queen though. She’s lovely. I’d give her a boat ticket to Canada and a two hour head start.”