'Like Brexit but good': the European Super League shitstorm explained to non-fans

PULLING out of a European group that raises everyone’s income, but it’s a good thing? Uh? Manchester United fan Wayne Hayes explains: 

Basically this is a story of the plucky man on the street standing up to greedy Europeans and taking back control. Remind you of anything?

Now our cherished national institution is free to be presided over by a government that apparently cares about it all of a sudden, and it can carry on being corrupt in ways that have been conveniently overlooked for ages.

The crucial difference though, and I can’t stress this enough, is that everybody is universally happy about English teams leaving the European Super League. Whereas with the other thing, well, you know.

In this case, English clubs genuinely are the envy of the world and sticking together will actually help all the other teams in the country, which I know sounds very like all those claims that were made over the last few years but this time it’s true.

And yes, the decision was largely made by foreign billionaires but this time it’s all the Americans who claim to love free enterprise who were wrong and the oil states and Russian oligarchs are on the right side. Sort of. For the moment.

So if you’re a Remainer, I’m afraid you’ll have to accept that in this particular case, the working-classes bitterly opposed to foreign influence who’ve risen up in a populist revolution are the good guys.

And if you’re a Brexiter? Uncomplicated celebration of your footballing independence day! Boris was right! Hooray for England!

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Why new low-deposit mortgages will make bugger all difference to your entitled generation, by your parents

NEW 95 per cent mortgages are on the market, not that it will make any difference to entitled, hypersensitive millennials. Why? Let mum and dad explain: 

You’ve not chosen a proper career

Your parents left school at 16, chose a profession and did an apprenticeship. They may only have earned thirteen pounds nineteen shillings a week but they still put some away in the sideboard. They didn’t get hugely in debt moving to London to do a media degree and spend a grand a month to live in a cupboard with a Baby Belling.

You don’t live frugally

You’re always having expensive takeout coffees, there’s barely a day goes by you’re not getting a parcel from Asos and that’s not the same mobile you had last June. Your parents didn’t even have a phone until 1985 and they’d make one jar of Mellow Birds last eight months. Socks can be darned, you know.

You don’t save

To get their deposit together, your parents lived in a box room at your granny’s for the first five years they were married. It was difficult, what with the smell from the budgie, the mother-in-law’s tantrums and your grandfather’s frequent episodes of St Vitus’ Dance, but they struggled through.

You’re always on holiday

At your age, your parents’ most exotic holiday was a week on the Isle of Wight for their honeymoon, in a guesthouse where you got turfed out from 10am to 4pm and the landlady would bang on the wall if she even suspected shagging. Meanwhile you’re going to Thailand one week and Uruguay the next.

You can’t settle down

Your parents met at 19 and married at 20. It hasn’t always been easy but they’ve stuck things out. Not like you with your dates and your Tinder and your ‘it’s complicated’ status on social media. Just pick one, they’re all the same after 40 years.

You haven’t bought at the right time

None of the above matters anyway, as your parents’ £5,000 home is now worth over a million. You should have bought before this property boom and you’d be quids in as well. What do you mean, ‘I was 11 years old and at school’? Excuses.