Liverpool defeat all part of plan, says Rodgers

BRENDAN Rodgers has confirmed that getting beaten by Oldham was exactly what he had intended.

Speaking from behind his steepled fingers and sat next to an enormous globe, the Liverpool manager confirmed that all the pieces on the chessboard inside his brain are moving into place.

Rodgers said: “Every shanked pass, every dropped cross, they’re all cogs in a plan far too complex to explain in your clumsy earth tongue.

“Progression to the fourth round would have shattered my exquisitely delicate scheme like Sebastian Coates jumping onto an egg made of spun sugar. Wheels within wheels, my friend. Wheels within wheels.”

Since Rodgers’ appointment players have been banned from any references to ‘playing football’ and instead must describe it as ‘The Process’.

‘The Process’ goes beyond standard training and tactics to include counting blades of grass and learning how to install geothermal heating systems.

The players were also instructed to travel to Sierra Leone and hand over a secret package to ‘The Turk’.

Rodgers added: “The eagle cannot consider the fears of the rabbit.”



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Dolphin faked entanglement 'to meet hot diver'

THE dolphin freed from a fishing line by a diver propositioned him shortly afterwards, it has emerged.

Footage of the ‘trapped’ dolphin apparently asking the diver for help became on online sensation.

However it has since emerged that the ostensibly life-affirming moment was a cunning sex trap.

Cracking under media pressure, dolphin Tom Logan said: “I was swimming with some fellow pod members when we saw this insanely cute guy in a wetsuit.

“There was no way I was letting him slip through my fins. But how to start a conversation?

“You can’t just swim up to divers and ask them if they want to go for coffee, that never works.

“Luckily there was this old bit of fishing line lying around, I sort of wrapped myself into it then began thrashing around in an attention-seeking manner.”

Fellow dolphin Julian Cook said: “Tom is such a man-whore. He’s all up in this net like ‘Free me! Free me!’, playing the coquettish endangered marine mammal card, it’s so cheesy.

“He just loves men wearing oxygen tanks. Ideally he would like a fireman but you don’t really get them under the sea.”