Black mass scores perfectly in feedback forms

A SATANIC ritual in Devon has received top marks in every category on attendees’ feedback forms.

The rite, which took place in the remote village of Anwell Kelp, is the first to be ranked unanimously ‘excellent’ in all aspects since covens introduced a feedback system this year in response to concerns over falling standards.

Masses are now rated from ‘poor’ to ‘excellent’ in 12 categories including ceremony, incantations and refreshments.

Anwell Kelp coven leader Tom Logan, who is a debauched aristocrat during the less significant parts of the lunar cycle, said: “I think it’s the small touches, like black roses on the altar and caged ravens flanking the cauldron, that have made us the top UK coven.

“Traditionally British rites have lagged behind their US counterparts in terms of production values but here we are raising the game with a more ‘boutique’ black mass.

“Also I have personally consulted with Satan on the minutiae of our events. It was he who suggested we put comfy rugs down prior to the climactic orgy.

“We’re also running a car-share scheme to help reduce our carbon footprint. That was Satan’s idea, too.”

Witch Emma Bradford said: “It really was a flawless event. And the breathtaking hilltop setting provides the perfect backdrop against which to cavort.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Wind turbines attack school

UNSIGHTLY wind turbines have attacked a school near Swindon, leaving a trail of dismembered corpses in their wake.

The so-called renewable energy devices went on the rampage after they were struck by lightning during an electrical storm, causing them to become animated with a malevolent lust for human blood.

Local resident Nikki Hollis said: “I dropped my kids off at school when suddenly there was screaming. Looking up, I saw about fifteen wind turbines hopping over the horizon, their blades dripping with red.

“Anyone in their path was being stomped or cut to ribbons. The turbines were making a high-pitched whirring sound which I believe was their hellish laughter.

“It seemed that they really wanted the children. Perhaps because their blood is fresher.

“We crowded the kids into the school hall, barricading the doors and windows. Unfortunately the headmistress Mrs Gerving was too old and slow, probably, so we left her outside.

“I remember seeing her spleen bounce off the window. Thankfully she was a spinster, so no-one will mourn her death.

“Six hours later police marksmen arrived and shot the turbines in their motors.

“I’m not against renewable energy per se, but I’ll never forget emerging from that school and seeing the playground sprayed with slivers of human meat.”

Following the incident, residents feel vindicated in their initial opposition to the turbines, which was ignored by the local council.

Post office manager Tom Logan said: “We always felt those things would kill if they could. More importantly, they’re ugly.

“We shall be having a meeting about this next Thursday at the scout hut, and have invited a photographer from the local paper. It’s really just so that everyone knows we were right.”