Liverpool fans query own penalty

LIVERPOOL fans have appealed to have their own penalty goal overturned.

As their 1-1 draw against Arsenal helped Manchester United toward their 19th title, the club’s lachrymose supporters have asked whether they can play the game again without fielding any defenders.

Perspective-lacking Liverpool fundamentalist Wayne Hayes said: “How about we invoke the age-old law of goalie-wasn’t-ready? I’m also willing to sacrifice a couple of family pets.”

But he added: “I’d like to think that gifting Arsenal the three points would be enough, but this season has proven that Arsenal grasp opportunity about as well as Almunia grasps things that are spherical.”

Dirk Kuyt’s 342nd-minute penalty sparked a furious touchline row between the two managers over who was angrier about the decision.

Wenger claimed the trucks arriving for the double-glazing conference in the stadium the next day distracted Wojciech Szczesny during the penalty kick, prompting Dalglish to shout: “Piss off, you don’t have to live up the road from the miserable, ex-Rangers bastard that I’ve just given the title to.”

Dalglish should escape any FA sanction after studies showed it was impossible for laboratory beagles to listen to more than four seconds of Wenger’s whining, self-justifying horseshit without developing the rudimentary language skills to tell him to piss up a rope.

Hayes said: “This is really going to bugger up the official Liverpool DVD of the season, which generally shows United not being awarded throw-ins or losing the coin-toss.

“I’m starting to wonder if crowing over their minor setbacks can still distract us from the fact they’re much better than us and have been for a very, very long time.”



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British submarines 'can't go underwater'

BRITAIN’s multi-billion pound Trident submarines do not work underwater, secret files have revealed.

A Ministry of Defence blunder allowed pages of classified documents to be published online, revealing the Vanguard class killing machines just float along on the surface like a totally normal boat.

An internal MoD document from 2002 revealed: “Submarines working well. Been to India, Argentina and Australia looking for an enemy to make them even remotely justifiable.

“No luck as yet. Trying Japan next. You never know.

“The only slight problem we have discovered so far is that if they go underwater they explode.

“HMS Vigilant went ‘kaboom’ last week. Killed a humpback whale. Keep that one under your hat or we’ll be crawling with filthy Greenpeace hippies.”

A senior Royal Navy source said: “We pretend that we go underwater. We all lean forward for about 20 minutes until we reach our pretend depth.

“Then everyone has to whisper for three months and not look out the window. It’s annoying.”

The source added: “And the ‘ping’ thing doesn’t work either. The Royal Naval College at Dartmouth now has a three year course in how to make the noise.

“People think it’s easy, but it isn’t. “