Liverpool match to be played on Xbox

LIVERPOOL’S weekend match against Man Utd will be contested on FIFA 12 in a bid to avoid crowd trouble, it has been confirmed.

The game has been moved to Brendan Rodgers’ house, with the corresponding fixture to be held in Alex Ferguson’s living room in January next year.

Rodgers has insisted on playing Sunday’s match on the ‘difficult’ setting, despite Ferguson lodging a protest that he has a PS3 and isn’t used to the Xbox controller.

The players will be sat on either end of the sofa to provide encouragement to the managers during the game, although Evra is an injury doubt after falling off the arm of a training couch yesterday and bruising his coccyx.

The game will be covered on Sky, with Gary Neville playing the match on his PSP in the studio to show where the two teams went wrong and Martin Tyler commentating on his own commentating in the game.

FA spokesman Roy Hobbs said: “If this is successful, we could save a lot of time and money by hosting the entire fixture list in people’s houses, although Andre Villas-Boas’ mum has already indicated she won’t have Sam Allardyce effing and jeffing under her roof.

“We can beam the game to the screens in the stadiums of both fans so it will actually double ticket revenue for the clubs and stop the turf getting scuffed up all the time.

“Within twenty years football clubs will be nothing more than large auditoriums where people pay a fortune to watch their particular teenager bash the ‘x’ button repeatedly. Welcome to the future.”



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Clegg convinces himself apology was genuine

LIB DEM leader Nick Clegg has succeeded in believing the sincerity of his own apology.

The self-styled deputy prime minister produced a video in which he said sorry for his party’s broken pledge on tuition fees and then watched it more than 50 times until he was absolutely convinced.

He said: “At first I thought it was so typical of me, but then after I had seen it a dozen times I started to think, ‘maybe I really mean this’.

“I studied the expression on my face very closely and was , looking for tell-tale signs of dishonesty but came up wanting. I also noticed that I blinked exactly the same amount as you would except from a person who was telling the truth.

“Also, I thought my choice of shirt was incredibly contrite.”

He added: “After seeing my apology I am now willing to give me a second chance. I’ve been very hard on myself but I now realise that government is not easy and it’s about time I gave myself the benefit of the doubt.

“This video has finally convinced me that I acted in good faith and that when I say I will never again make a promise I can’t keep I am inclined to believe myself.”

Julian Cook, professor of Lib Dem apologies at Roehampton University, said: “I’ve come to the conclusion that Nick Clegg can only be described as a politician in the broadest possible sense.

“Yes, he is an MP, a party leader and a member of the cabinet but what he has been doing for the last three years is not politics. It’s just weird, and not in a good way.”

He added: “Also, apologising to bigots and homophobes is offensive, but apologising to students is like a fucking war crime.”