Liverpool phones Dignitas

DIRECTORS at Liverpool FC have booked Roy Hodgson a special holiday to Switzerland to thank him for all his hard work.

The nonagenarian footballing gnome has been blamed for recent poor results after sending the entire squad out with a farthing each on a hunt across Liverpool to see if they still sell licorice bullets.

The club has now opened negotiations with the sales team at Dignitas, the Swiss clinic where dreams come true for a bit.

Assistant manager Sammy Lee said: “He keeps asking whether Switzerland is by the seaside and whether they do a nice pie and pea supper. I hope he doesn’t struggle.”

He added: “I’m dreading the journey over as we had to stop two dozen times on our way to Blackburn because he refused to use the coach facilities. Hopefully the flight back will give me time to relax before I have to confront whatever the hell could possibly be coming next.”

Relations are still strained between manager and players since Hodgson accused all of them, except Joe Cole, of trying to work their way into his will, which currently names the Cats Protection League as the sole benefactor.

Fax-impersonating captain Steven Gerrard said: “He wheeled into the dressing room, calling us a bunch of sneaky little buggers and waving his fist around, before giving Joe a five pound postal order.”

Defending last night’s 3-1 defeat to Blackburn, Hodgson said: “I meet that Steve Kean before the game, lovely young fellow with beautiful manners and he makes a smashing brew.

“I told him I had a special treat for him, then told my boys they’d be fired if they kicked a ball straight for more than 10 yards. Eeeh, the looks on their faces.”

He added: “Now apparently I’ve got to go on holiday to  to some place that, according to our Sammy, is a bit like Butlins except everything’s very white.

“I don’t know why we can’t just rent a chalet in Canvey Island like we did when I was a young girl.”



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Billy Bragg has absolutely gigantic house

YOU would not believe the size of Billy Bragg’s house, it emerged last night.

As Bragg’s neighbours received anonymous letters urging them to drive the hectoring socialist monster out of their sleepy Dorset village, everyone said, ‘who cares about that shit, look at the size of that bloody thing’.

Bragg bought the house 11 years ago as a protest against living somewhere really pokey without a glorious view and an acre of expertly manicured left-wing garden.

Tom Logan, a man who thinks New England is quite good, said: “I always imagined he lived in a terrace in a moderately gentrified part of east London, surrounded by people from a variety of cultures that he would ‘jam’ with.

“And I assumed that he would keep just enough money to live a simple life and give the rest to poor people or small circulation magazines about struggles.

“I have to say that the sheer heft of Mr Bragg’s house has come as something of a shock.”

Helen Archer, a woman who’s having none of it, said: “I’m sure he’s done very well for himself – that song he did about having sex is very jaunty. But wasn’t he supposed to hand over most of his money in order to promote some notion of equality? Or did he think the government was supposed to do it for him?”

Last night Bragg said he would have given more money to poor people if it was not for the extension and the double glazing and confirmed that anyone who noticed the size of his house was just an ‘old fashioned racist’.