DIRECTORS at Liverpool FC have booked Roy Hodgson a special holiday to Switzerland to thank him for all his hard work.
The nonagenarian footballing gnome has been blamed for recent poor results after sending the entire squad out with a farthing each on a hunt across Liverpool to see if they still sell licorice bullets.
The club has now opened negotiations with the sales team at Dignitas, the Swiss clinic where dreams come true for a bit.
Assistant manager Sammy Lee said: “He keeps asking whether Switzerland is by the seaside and whether they do a nice pie and pea supper. I hope he doesn’t struggle.”
He added: “I’m dreading the journey over as we had to stop two dozen times on our way to Blackburn because he refused to use the coach facilities. Hopefully the flight back will give me time to relax before I have to confront whatever the hell could possibly be coming next.”
Relations are still strained between manager and players since Hodgson accused all of them, except Joe Cole, of trying to work their way into his will, which currently names the Cats Protection League as the sole benefactor.
Fax-impersonating captain Steven Gerrard said: “He wheeled into the dressing room, calling us a bunch of sneaky little buggers and waving his fist around, before giving Joe a five pound postal order.”
Defending last night’s 3-1 defeat to Blackburn, Hodgson said: “I meet that Steve Kean before the game, lovely young fellow with beautiful manners and he makes a smashing brew.
“I told him I had a special treat for him, then told my boys they’d be fired if they kicked a ball straight for more than 10 yards. Eeeh, the looks on their faces.”
He added: “Now apparently I’ve got to go on holiday to to some place that, according to our Sammy, is a bit like Butlins except everything’s very white.
“I don’t know why we can’t just rent a chalet in Canvey Island like we did when I was a young girl.”