Liverpool to let Gerrard play until he is 65

NO-ONE at Liverpool FC has the heart to make Steven Gerrard retire before he is a pensioner, it has emerged.

Like an especially loyal labrador

Future managers at the club will have it pre-written into their contract that they must always select Gerrard even if he can only move about the pitch on a mobility scooter.

Manager Brendan Rodgers said: “This club has always been about the heart, the passion and the pointless sentimentality.

“Nowhere does this more apply than when it comes to Steven Gerrard. He is Mr Liverpool.

“The only analogy I can think of for a Liverpool team without Steven Gerrard is a Liverpool team without Steven Gerrard.”

Backroom staff are currently developing a special prosthetic cannon to be attached to the side of Gerrard’s leg should he ever lose the ability to play his trademark 80 yard crossfield balls.

Rodgers said: “Only one in ten of the passes from the cannon lands anywhere near the feet of a forward. With Gerrard currently, it’s one in 20 so we’ve got to decrease the accuracy.”

Steven Gerrard said: “I intend to play on till Liverpool win a Premier League title, however long that takes.

“Even if I have to be wheeled around the centre circle in a coffin on castors, I want to play a key role in that triumph. Never walk alone, whatever that means.”

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What do we need men for?

Dear Holly,

I need advice on a question to which I have been pondering for some time. Independent women like me swear like miners, drink pints of Boddingtons AND wear a hot pink bikini all at the same time, so what do we need men for?

Melanie Sykes


Dear Melanie,

My granny says that a long long time ago, when dinosaurs walked the earth and Michael Jackson was still alive, it was men who were in charge of everything. Women had to ask permission just to go to the toilet and the only jobs they were allowed to do was flower arranger or dance instructor. Then a visionary called Margaret Thatcher came along who changed everything. She put the men to work underground in the mines and empowered women to start wearing jumpsuits with shoulder pads and ridiculous perms. They reclaimed the word ‘bitch’ and spent many years standing on men’s backs with their shiny red stilettos and matching red lipstick. But then the anti-feminist Edwina Currie came to power and convinced the women that their ovaries were riddled with salmonella, which made them freak out and agree to take all their clothes off and do suggestive dances at the behest of their greatest enemy, Robin Thicke.

Hope that helps!