Liverpool's season written by Ken Loach

LIVERPOOL’S fairytale adventure in Europe was scripted by Ken Loach, the club has revealed.

After previous comebacks in Europe were deemed too fanciful, Loach was hired in August to bring a touch of Northern dourness to the club’s season.

The director has been advising manager Brendan Rodgers on how to temporarily raise the hopes of fans in a triumph of the human spirit, only to have them crushed again at home to Aston Villa.

Rodgers said: “I’m looking forward to many more ‘Loach nights’. It’s a very ‘real’ experience. Like burying a dead bird in a council house garden.

“Fans may have preferred it when Michael Bay directed things with his absurd plot twists and unrealistic performances. Djimi Traore as a Champion’s League winner? Why didn’t we just sign Ben Affleck?”

He added: “For all their money, Man United can only afford a bunch of Hollywood hacks who churn out predictable, happy endings. We, on the other hand, are exploring what it means to be alive.”

The club was impressed by the football scenes in Kes and felt Loach could add the same bleak humour, as well as having an understanding of young, incompetent footballers who do not want to be there.

However, Rodgers revealed that the controversial plot line to have Fabio Borini break every bone in his body, one match at a time, was the result of a brainstorming session with Hostel director Eli Roth.


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Will Deborah Meaden put me off my stride?

Dear Holly,

I’ve finally perfected a miracle cure for hangovers and I have decided to take it to Dragons’ Den so I can become the richest man alive. However I am not sure if Deborah Meaden’s presence will ‘put me off my stride’,  so to speak. Do you have any tips for keeping my nerves at bay? 




Dear  Phil,

A girl in my class, Stacey Sullivan, has been known to have a little ‘accident’ if she gets nervous or too excited about something. Last time it happened was during harvest festival. Stacey was supposed to be reading a poem she’d written about a big yellow combine harvester to the whole school, but as soon as she stepped on stage there was a loud popping sound and then all the children in the front row scattered with terror to avoid the brown spray. Thankfully, no-one was hurt in the ensuing stampede, but Emily Parkinson’s wheatsheaf collage was ruined and Stacey had to spend the rest of the day in lost property trousers. I think these days Stacey is on a combination of Ritalin and Sherbet Fountains to keep her nerves under control, and we all make sure to stand in front of her if she has to do any public speaking.


Hope that helps!