London Unveils Olympic Sniper's Nest

TURNER prize-winning artist Anish Kapoor has designed the world's largest sniper's nest for the 2012 London Olympics.

The Stratford tower will be shaped like a lower intestine and hold up to 350 heavily-armed maniacs from every corner of the globe.

A restaurant built into the structure will ensure that anyone planning a lengthy siege will be amply catered for with Michelin-standard cuisine and five star service.

Kapoor said: "I wanted to create something that would inhabit the space rather than define it while at the same time giving disaffected loners a fantastic array of kill shots."

London mayor Boris Johnson added: "I love it, it's just like being given the Meccano set I asked for when I was eight, instead of the signed photo of Alec Douglas-Home and the new pair of sodomy trousers that I actually got."

Alternative structures were considered by Johnson, including a 'Mugger Of The South' by Antony Gormley – a 300-foot steel and copper depiction of a skunked-up teenager knifing somebody in the kidneys for their iPhone.

Other designs included Banksy's policeman wearing a clown mask, which critics said was a 'wry comment about something, possibly capitalism' while former prime minister Tony Blair suggested another dome.

Johnson insisted the tower will help the UK team garner a record haul of medals as it will be the perfect vantage point for picking off better and more successful athletes from Jamaica and the United States.

Wayne Hayes, a recently-sacked postman from Ilford, said: "My burning hatred of all humanity has only just begun, but by 2012 I estimate I will have some particularly lucid theories about why the blacks and the Jews got me fired for stealing birthday cards."

He added: "This is my gun. She's called Cheryl."


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Audiences Charmed By Random Collage Of Violence And Foul-Mouthed Toddlers

BALLBAG Explosion Ninja Die, a sequence of random acts of violence interwoven with toddlers uttering filth, is setting new box office records, it emerged last night.

The film, which has no connecting narrative, features nameless characters having their heads severed with a rusty scythe before a three year-old boy dressed as Hitler yells 'arse-bastards' at the camera and rips the legs off a toad.

The scene is followed by a pair of two year-old twin girls screaming 'cock-fucker' at each other against a backdrop of 16 nuns being cut in half from top to bottom by a vampire rock star wielding a six foot-long sword shaped like an erect penis ejaculating blood.

Screen writer Jane Goldman, wife of the jumped-up researcher Jonathan Ross, said: "I noticed that no-one under the age of 35 who's not gay leaves a cinema saying 'what an involving and original story'.

"They talk about the bits where someone's head explodes like a milkshake, or a gangster gets swallowed whole by a shark, then shat out and electrocuted before being fed into a threshing machine.

"And of course they also appreciate just how clever and witty it is to make little children swear, especially if it's cute swearing like 'c**tpuppy' or 'fuckmuppet'."

She added: "So there you go, a little glimpse behind the wizard's curtain."

A sequel Ballbag Explosion Ninja Die 1.2: Fuck Shit Chainsaw Wank, is already in the pipeline.

Producer Tom Logan said: "We're going to stay faithful to the vision of the original by making exactly the same film."

But reviewer Helen Archer said: "Ballbag Explosion is proof that we are so utterly deluged with cultural effluent that we will stare slack-jawed at anything, processing a stream of cinematic detritus as dumbly as an earthworm processes soil.

"So for that reason I'm only giving it four and a half stars out of five."