Man pretending to like rugby so he can get pissed in the daytime

A MAN has been pretending to enjoy the Rugby World Cup so he can drink beer for breakfast.

Tom Logan, who has never watched a rugby game in his life, seized the opportunity to get drunk in his dressing gown instead of taking his children to swimming lessons.

Logan said: “It’s an important tournament…I mean, game, or is it match?

“England have got three ‘goals’ already so I might open another bottle to celebrate.

“Okay, I’m not really sure what is going on and I didn’t even know they played rugby in Japan, but people are cheering so I reckon that whatever just happened was ‘good’.”

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'I love going to the dentist' says psychopath with perfect smile

A MAN with perfect teeth has told friends that he never misses a dental check-up because he loves them. 

Julian Cook made listeners shudder with his admission that he would be blinded by an overhead lamp and get his gums jabbed by a dental pick more than every six months if he could.

He continued: “I take great care of my teeth, so it feels fantastic to get my hard work validated by a qualified professional once every twelve months. I’m sure it’s a similar experience for everyone else.

“From the small dental mirror clattering around my incisors, to the satisfying grind of the tartar scraper, nothing beats a thorough seeing-to by my dental practitioner. Those twenty minute appointments really fly by.

“Every night I count down the days to my next visit on my tooth-themed calendar. Then I crawl into my bed which is shaped like my favourite tooth, the maxillary second premolar.

“It’d be great if something went wrong with them. Imagine the thrill of having a root canal. I think I’d forego the anaesthetic.”

Cook’s dentist Mary Fisher said: “One day someone’s going to punch him right in the choppers and give me some real work. I only hope I can be there when it happens.”