Michael Vaughan Retires Again

CRICKET fans were shocked last night after Michael Vaughan announced his retirement for what they were sure was at least the fourth time.

The former England captain said he wanted to spend more time with his family, standing in the back garden for 20 minutes with a confused look on his face before wandering back into the house while shaking his head.

Vaughan added: "I think I still have what it takes to look confused at that level", before retiring from back garden cricket for the first time.

His latest retirement follows his failure to be considered for the Ashes squad after scoring fewer runs this year than Michael Owen has scored goals while having hamstrings made from squeezy cheese.

Vaughan will be remembered for failing to lose on home territory to an Australian side riddled with injury. He was awarded the OBE shortly after for 'Services to stopping England giving up cricket altogether and inventing a new sport they can be best at for a few years until everyone else gets the hang of it'.

An ECB spokesman said: "As wretched as the current England squad is – and make no mistake they're about as much use as WG Grace's after shave balm – Michael now makes them look like a pantheon of invincible Greek deities."

The spokesman insisted the squad still had an outside chance of scoring a run against Australia this summer if they could just get the top end of the batting order to stop treating the ball like a tiny child.

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Do not be afraid of shiny, yellow ball in sky, say experts

SCIENTISTS are urging people not to panic when a large, shiny yellow ball appears in the skies over Britain this week.

Experts say that while the ball will lead to increased amounts of heat and light, it is not a demon, a dragon or an alien spacecraft, and will, for the most part, be rather pleasant.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s natural to be afraid, but we are 99% certain that the shiny, yellow ball means us no harm.

“Our computer modelling suggests it will encourage plant growth and pollination, as well as leading to a significant increase in white wine, ice cream and nipples as women remove their brassieres in what we think will be some sort of sacrificial offering.”

Names for the ball include Shinydisc1, the Very, Very Hot Thing and the Sky Bulb.

Professor Brubaker added: “It may also lead to higher levels of stress among elderly people who think it is Jesus coming down from heaven to judge them.

“And don’t waste your time trying to touch it because, as far as we have been able to determine, it is quite a long way away.

“Possibly as far away as the moon, or America.”