Montgomerie Dedicates Ryder Cup Victory To Jesus

EUROPE’S Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie last night said the victory would not have been possible without the love and guidance of Jesus Christ.

Dedicating the win to his ‘lord and saviour’, Montgomerie said it was a privilege to be able to use his talents to please Almighty God.

As Celtic Manor reverberated to chants of ‘E-E-C! number one!’ the 47 year-old Scot insisted the 14½ – 13½ triumph was testament to the core European values of freedom, hard work and regular church attendance.

He said: “I just feel so lucky that I have been able to fulfil my potential thanks to the love of Jesus Christ my saviour and the constitutional rights guaranteed to me under the Treaty of Lisbon.

“I knew there was no way we could lose as long as I prayed hard every night and chose players who had accepted Jesus into their hearts. I guess that’s why – when it comes to golf – Europe is God’s chosen continent.”

England’s Ian Poulter added: “I would like to send a big ‘shout out’ to my pastor and the members of my bible study group.

“I can’t wait to pray with you guys this weekend.”

Tom Logan, golf commentator for US TV channel ABC, stressed Montgomerie had made a ‘very European’ speech that would probably have made American audiences feel slightly uncomfortable.

He added: “Europeans are very open about their faith and believe that it has a direct effect on whether or not they win things, like golf matches and oil wars.

“Imagine if we were like that? Euuurgh.”

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Woods Has Sex With Dirty Mermaids

GOLFING intercourse monster Tiger Woods has taken advantage of the wet weather in Wales by sleeping with a string of underwater prostitutes.

The rain has been so heavy in Newport over the last few days that the Ryder Cup has had to be moved steadily further inland, with the final day’s play taking place at Brandon Wood Muncipal Golf Course in Coventry.

Tournament organisers were alerted to the scandal after a 250-pound turbot pimp marched into their headquarters demanding payment.

The aquatic flesh procurer claimed Woods had ordered the ‘Ariel Special’ – which includes 300 jars of crab paste and full scuba equipment – but had then refused to pay the marine tarts after they forgot the words to Under the Sea.

Golfologist Bill McKay said: “Tiger has ‘Ocean Fever’ and loves romping with women that can hold their breath for hours at a time.

“He’s been like this since he was a 14 and was thrown out of Orlando Sea World for touching himself in front of Shamu.”

Meanhwhile 2009 Open champion Stewart Cink has refused to practise with Woods, claiming the world number one ‘smells like a walrus fandango’.

And US captain Corey Pavin has been forced to ask the player to confine himself to the hotel breakfast kippers whenever he has to get his cryptozoological freak on.

Nikki Hollis, a 23-year-old mermaid dollymop from the Denmark Straits, said: “On Friday night he called me up and asked if it was possible to do a reverse Dutch steamboat in eight feet of muddy water.

“I didn’t know you could do it any other way.”