Mosley To Mount A Donkey Before French Grand Prix

MOTORSPORT boss Max Mosley is to mount a donkey before the French Grand Prix later this month.

Mosley is keen to explore undiscovered areas of his sexuality, secure in the knowledge he has the full backing of the FIA.

The international motorsport body yesterday gave its official seal of approval to Mosley's frenzied Germanic spank orgies and urged him to discard any remaining sexual inhibitions.

The FIA president is now planning a full-scale donkey sex demonstration on the grid at Magny-Cours, minutes before the cars line up.

It is understood Mosley has picked out a three year-old donkey from a farm in Hampshire and will spend the next two weeks testing step ladders.

An FIA spokesman said: "What a man does in the privacy of his own freaky sex dungeon surrounded by whores has nothing to do with his job.

"We've checked his time sheets and all the twisted sado-masochism took place during lunch or after 5pm."

The spokesman added: "Would you like to urinate on my chest?"

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Ryanair To Ditch Passengers In Mid-Flight

BUDGET airline Ryanair has vowed to maintain profitability this year, despite rising oil prices, by throwing passengers from its aircraft in mid-flight.

Travellers will be given a raffle ticket as they board, or they can purchase one in advance via the Ryanair website.

Once airborne the pilot and co-pilot will pull tickets from a top hat and the winners will then be ejected swiftly from the rear of the plane.

Michael O’Leary, the Ryanair chief executive, said: "The key to profitability is fuel efficiency.

"We could simply identify the ten largest passengers on any flight and heave them out the door. But that's discrimination. We want this process to be fair, transparent and fun."

He added: "What would you rather do? Fly BA and get stung for an extra £20 for every member of the family, or travel with us at the same price, and take a gamble that granny won’t make it all the way back from Malaga?

"It’s better than being stuck in a home, and you soon lose consciousness on the way down.

"If we’re over the sea we’ll stick her in a life jacket so you can have a proper funeral when you get back. Otherwise, it’s a jam jar."

Mr O’Leary said the policy also offered families the chance to cut rising household bills by choosing to eject whoever eats the most food.

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