Mourinho to whip a naked Juan Mata through the streets of Salford 

JOSE Mourinho has given Juan Mata the day off so he can whip his naked body through the streets of Salford.

Mourinho, who came in for criticism for substituting Mata during the Community Shield match despite having not long brought him on, said the decision had no bearing on a previous fall out from their time at Chelsea together.

Mourinho said, “This was just a tactical decision.

“I needed someone to whip naked through the streets whilst pulling a burnt out Ford Fiesta behind them and Juan was the shortest in the team, so I picked him.”

“I’m not looking to sell him but I would listen to offers for the Ford Fiesta.”

Everton are thought to be early contenders to buy the Fiesta with an exchange deal for cash plus Tom Cleverly already turned down.

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Night Tube to make passengers feel like they're in a low budget independent film

LONDON’S Night Tube will make passengers feel like they are temporarily living in a low budget British independent movie.

The service, which will run from 12.30am to 5.30am, will allow passengers to look longingly out of the window, wondering when something exciting is going to happen in their London life.

Struggling actor and barman, Tom Logan said: “I’ll probably find a big bag of money on it one night and then get involved with a lap dancer who is on the run from something.

“Yeah, it’ll be like something that’s been adapted from a JG Ballard novel.

“But it will all come good in the end when we get off at Camden Town at 5.30 in the morning just after I’ve killed the head of the Chinese Mafia after he was trying to get his big bag of money back.”

He added: “Either that or it will just be like the Night Bus.

“Terrifying in a locked-in-an-18th-Century-asylum kind of way.”