Next Reading boss to be abstract concept

THE shortlist for the new Reading manager includes ennui, empathy and a sense of unfulfillable longing.

After Brian McDermott was fired for having human traits such as fallibility and honesty, club scouts are searching their dictionaries for experienced nouns and adverbs.

Reading owner Anton Zigarevich said: “In the battle to avoid relegation we may go for the word ‘battle’ until the end of the season.

“But until then our caretaker manager will be a crushing awareness of futility.”

If appointed, Reading’s new formless notion will be the first to manage at the top-level since England missed the 1994 World Cup under a vaguely remembered childhood holiday in Rhyl.

Other Premier League clubs are on alert as Reading may try to poach Chelsea’s avalanche of farce, or the smell of fried onions in the Bobby Moore Stand at Upton Park.

The club’s fans have been asked to be realistic in their expectations, but message boards have been buzzing with speculation that Barcelona’s smugness might be interested in a challenge.

Zingarevich added: “We just have to avoid appointing a raving lunatic like Paolo Di Canio.”

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Cheltenham Festival crowds have absolutely no idea what is going on

THOUSANDS of Cheltenham attendees are discovering that horse racing is incomprehensible.

Crowds are flocking to the first day of the Cheltenham Festival, where a mixture of maths, rampant Irishness and the fact that all horses look the same will confuse the hell out of them.

25-year-old estate agent Julian Cook said: “The Irish and the posh people are absolutely loving it. Personally, I don’t have a fucking clue what is going on, it’s like being in a busy foreign airport that is weirdly full of horses.

“Three times today I’ve had the concept of ‘Each Way’ explained to me but it still hasn’t sunk in. I’ve got a copy of the Racing Post but it’s just full of numbers.

“I’ve just given £50 to a man in a big coat doing sign language. I’m not even sure he was a bookie, but he looked intimidating.

“I suppose I’d better go and get pissed now.”

Racing tipster Roy Hobbs said: “Actually, no one here understands the event unfolding around them.

“The secret is to shout and cheer when everyone else is doing so.

“At the end of each race, go up to a booth or portakabin waving a bit of paper around. They might give you some cash.”