Northerners in a tizzy about something

TWO competing strains of Northerner became animated about something yesterday

Leading Northernologists have set up camp on the edge of the creatures’ bleak, windswept habitats to study the disturbance and its possible impact on crime rates.

Northernologist, Dr Helen Archer, said: “It seems to have primarily affected the males, although they are exceptionally difficult to distinguish. Indeed the only effective method is to show it a Katona and see whether it tries to emulate or inseminate it.”

Archer stressed that with Spring approaching, the disturbance could be part of an agresssive mating ritual before fluids are finally exchanged during the summer in cheap parts of Spain. Or it was just about a football match.

She added: “The Northerner I use for experiments came up to me waving three fingers
and pointing at a photo of what appeared to be a dismembered pig’s
knuckle wearing a shiny red shirt.

“Just as the Lascaux paintings seemed to both celebrate the hunt and provide omens of good fortune for it, football appears to be both part of a happy life for the Northerner as well as providing some kind of primitive metaphor for their unusually pointless existence.

“It all started yesterday when I told my colleague I had to speak to my children’s nanny. The sound of that word made my Northerner hold its knee, roll round on the floor and emit the low, guttural sound usually associated with Peter Kay being on the television.

“The strangest thing is that the other Northerner I bought from a place 30 miles east of his habitat to keep him company stormed off to the corner of his pen in a terrible funk and hasn’t come out since.

“They’re such strange little things.”



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Prescott becoming part of society, warn experts

JOHN Prescott is manoeuvring himself gradually into the mainstream of British society, it was warned last night.

Experts said the former deputy prime minister has been given free rein to use television in a sinister bid to create the idea that he is not a big, pink bag of scum.

In recent weeks Prescott has appeared on Top Gear and adverts for in between claiming an average of £800 a day for slouching on his fat, moronic arse in the now irredeemably discredited House of Lords.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Slowly but surely he is transforming himself into a roly poly uncle who gets his words mixed up rather than the vilest piece of shit to hold public office in this country since the Sheriff of Nottingham.

“He spent much of his time in government playing croquet on the lawn of his free mansion or spewing bullshit about the environment while using two cars that did four yards to the gallon.

“And that’s when he wasn’t punching people, fucking his secretary and gorging himself on sticky buns and your money.”

He added: “If this was Egypt we’d be putting the fucker on trial but instead we’re getting him to do something not funny for Comic Relief.

“If there was even a shred of decency left in this festering bumhole of a country we’d be hosing him down with horse diarrhoea whenever he opens his front door or better still running over him slowly with one of his own Jags until dozens of half-digested pies come bursting out the top of his head.”

Brubaker has made a series of key recommendations to de-Prescottise Britain including sending a photograph of a dog being sick or making a donation to the African warlords who hijack aid convoys.