Northerners in a tizzy about something

TWO competing strains of Northerner became animated about something yesterday

Researchers are busy bagging Northerner pellets

Leading Northernologists have set up camp on the edge of the creatures’ bleak, windswept habitats to study the disturbance and its possible impact on crime rates.

Northernologist, Dr Helen Archer, said: “It seems to have primarily affected the males, although they are exceptionally difficult to distinguish. Indeed the only effective method is to show it a Katona and see whether it tries to emulate or inseminate it.”

Archer stressed that with Spring approaching, the disturbance could be part of an agresssive mating ritual before fluids are finally exchanged during the summer in cheap parts of Spain. Or it was just about a football match.

She added: “The Northerner I use for experiments came up to me waving three fingers
and pointing at a photo of what appeared to be a dismembered pig’s
knuckle wearing a shiny red shirt.

“Just as the Lascaux paintings seemed to both celebrate the hunt and provide omens of good fortune for it, football appears to be both part of a happy life for the Northerner as well as providing some kind of primitive metaphor for their unusually pointless existence.

“It all started yesterday when I told my colleague I had to speak to my children’s nanny. The sound of that word made my Northerner hold its knee, roll round on the floor and emit the low, guttural sound usually associated with Peter Kay being on the television.

“The strangest thing is that the other Northerner I bought from a place 30 miles east of his habitat to keep him company stormed off to the corner of his pen in a terrible funk and hasn’t come out since.

“They’re such strange little things.”