Not-England don't win uncompetition

FABIO Capello declared himself ambivalent toward the display the side he would prefer not to pick gave against Denmark last night.

The team, randomly-determined on the basis of maternal vagina location, produced a performance from which conclusions could be drawn in the same way a handful of ballbearings tossed into a bath can be used to predict the weather.

The England coach said: “I now know that Darren Bent will score 4-yard tap-ins and that Joe Hart has the concentration levels of a toddler at a birthday party.

“The game also confirmed my view that gravity helps to keep the ball stuck to the ground and that John Terry continues to look like a peeled pig with hayfever.”

The FA are looking at equally-valid methods of preparation for England in the future including having a giant Buckaroo tournament or seeing how many beans a player can eat with a cocktail stick in three minutes – an option favoured strongly by Frank Lampard.

But the England manager now has some difficult choices to make before the next competitive match as to what excuses he trots out for picking the same players.

Rumours from inside the England camp suggest he will drop Wilshere due to the blue bits in his aura and retain Gerrard because legend tells that the Liverpool midfielder can pull the mighty Excalibur from the stone whence it came.

Capello added: “However, I am really going to have to stretch myself to justify picking Emile Heskey yet again.”



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Burger to headline Glastonbury

THE main stage headliner at this year’s Glastonbury festival will be McDonalds’ new tropical-themed burger, organisers have confirmed.

It will be the first time an instantly forgettable meat product has taken to the festival stage since the Boo Radleys in 1995.

Upside down head of Glastonbury, Michael Eavis, said: “The Tropical Tang Triple Decker with Steeldrumjack Cheese was chosen entirely for its delicious talent.

“Of course we’ve had to move with the times, but Glastonbury retains its maverick spirit. We are still sticking it to ‘the man’, we’re just doing so within the brand perimeters of a globally-recognised convenience food retailer.

“In fact, I’ve heard that ‘the man’ really hates delicious 100% fresh burgers served with an unforgettably zingy sauce in a fluffy bap that’s like a tiny seed-laden cloud.

“So he’s going to be really, really angry about this and will probably fling his bowler hat on the floor and stamp on it.”

The burger, which will be rotating on a dais for 45 minutes, will be supported by some fries and a really, really, really hot tube of goo-filled batter.

Nineteen year-old festivalgoer, Tom Logan, said: “I’ve thought brands were really bad ever since I saw that film about how Marlboro, which is owned by space lizards, built the White House to send negative energy beams into the earth and give the planet cancer.

“That said, I’ll still be going to Glastonbury this year because I’ve made a flag with a picture of a cock on it and I want to wave it around while ripped to the tits on ketamine.”