Not-England don’t win uncompetition

FABIO Capello declared himself ambivalent toward the display the side he would prefer not to pick gave against Denmark last night.

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The team, randomly-determined on the basis of maternal vagina location, produced a performance from which conclusions could be drawn in the same way a handful of ballbearings tossed into a bath can be used to predict the weather.

The England coach said: “I now know that Darren Bent will score 4-yard tap-ins and that Joe Hart has the concentration levels of a toddler at a birthday party.

“The game also confirmed my view that gravity helps to keep the ball stuck to the ground and that John Terry continues to look like a peeled pig with hayfever.”

The FA are looking at equally-valid methods of preparation for England in the future including having a giant Buckaroo tournament or seeing how many beans a player can eat with a cocktail stick in three minutes – an option favoured strongly by Frank Lampard.

But the England manager now has some difficult choices to make before the next competitive match as to what excuses he trots out for picking the same players.

Rumours from inside the England camp suggest he will drop Wilshere due to the blue bits in his aura and retain Gerrard because legend tells that the Liverpool midfielder can pull the mighty Excalibur from the stone whence it came.

Capello added: “However, I am really going to have to stretch myself to justify picking Emile Heskey yet again.”