Small firms urged to sell stuff to bankers

SMALL businesses across Britain could increase their profits by selling loads of stuff to rich bankers, it has emerged.

Economists say that instead of banks being forced to lend arbitrary sums to small businesses that might be shit, the companies could instead try selling goods and services to people who have huge amounts of money.

Roy Hobbs, deputy chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “When setting up a company the first two questions you should ask are –  who has all the money and what sort of things do they like to spend it on?

“When you have answered those questions you are well on your way to making one of those things and selling it to rich people.

“It may be paté made from an animal that’s recently met Stephen Fry, it may be a robot butler in the shape of Zammo from Grange Hill or it may be a handbag that’s also a lawyer.

“Or it may just be loads of prostitutes and cocaine.

“After a while the small businessmen will become rich and then other businesses will make money selling things to them.

“Then when everyone is finally making some money the government could tax just a little bit of it so you can have your fucking hospitals, instead of taxing a small number of people a huge amount for the 15 minutes before they piss off to Hong Kong.

“Or, if you prefer, we could all just sit around complaining about how some people have more money than other people and dreaming up projects named after wizards that are obviously a complete waste of everyone’s time.”

A Treasury spokesman said: “Maybe we should have named it after Gandalf. Or Yoda.”

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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other night, I couldn’t get to sleep, and so I was lying awake in the darkness fretting about all my problems, when I became slowly aware of a quiet slapping sound coming from beneath the covers next to me, and a slow, rhythmical movement by my side which gradually gathered pace until suddenly, with a shudder, it ceased. For a few moments I remained frozen, wondering what on earth could have created such a disturbance, but then it slowly dawned on me that perhaps our house is built over an ancient burial ground or something, and we’re host to some sort of menacing ghoul which has come back from the dead to haunt us. On discussing it over breakfast the following morning, my husband seemed very convinced this was the case. Do you think we should get our priest to perform an exorcism?

Dear Selma,
You must be extremely scared to witness first hand such ghostly goings on. Thank goodness your husband is there to protect you. I’m not so lucky, having only a handful of rubbish teddy bears and a nightlight to ward off evil spirits. I know for a fact that there’s some sort of evil death monster that lives in my wardrobe, plus something sinister and shadowy with many arms that hides under my bed and wants to grab my ankles. Thankfully, I’ve not actually experienced a physical manifestation like you have, but that’s probably because I never let my feet stick out from under the covers. I asked my granny if there were such things as ghosts and she said something about being visited by the spirit of Bob Monkhouse every night. From experience, the best approach is to jump up suddenly and switch on the light next time it happens, and you’ll probably discover with relief that it’s just the dog rubbing its bumhole on the carpet or something.
Hope that helps!