OED Accepts Ronaldo As Synonym For ‘despicable Shit’

THE editors of the Oxford English Dictionary have agreed to include the word 'ronaldo' as a synonym for 'despicable', 'dishonest' and 'shitbag'.

As the Manchester United winger lashed out at another opponent and was booked for diving, manager Sir Alex Ferguson admitted even he had started using the word as an insult.

He added: "I've had this builder in and he's taking ages and making a lot of mistakes and the other day, without even thinking, I called him a 'sneaky wee ronaldo'.

"I said to him, 'don't ronaldo to me you lazy fucking ronaldo, just get it done or you'll get my toe up your ronaldo-hole'."

Examples of the new usage include, 'James accidentally ronaldoed himself and then renaldoed about it' and 'James was worried about the weeping ronaldos near the base of his ronaldo'.

OED researcher Nathan Muir said: "The dictionary can accept neologisms if there are frequent enough references to its definition in common culture.

"Following a thorough appraisal we are now satisfied that 'ronaldo' has become sufficiently analogous with a lying, pig-eyed sack of donkey turds."

Other new definitions in the next edition include:

  • Clarkson: (adj) Where the truth of an opinion is inversely proportional to its popularity amongst the mentally ill. The assertion that cyclists are worse than Hitler is profoundly clarkson.

  • Bale: (n) A tantrum completely out of proportion to the perceived slight. On hearing the cafe had run out of cinnamon, Nikki threw a bale until someone smacked her with a teapot.
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Prime Minister’s Brain Goes Into Receivership

THE brain of prime minister Gordon Brown has gone into administration, Downing Street has confirmed.

The receivers were called in yesterday just hours after the brain decided that banning 100% mortgages would make the slightest difference to anything.

The organ is now being managed by city firm Porter, Pinkney and Turner who will sell off whatever bits they can and feed the rest into a waste disposal unit.

Official receiver Martin Bishop, said: "For 20 years this brain was touted as one of the great cranial success stories, but when you actually open it up you can see it was all just a lot of carefully orchestrated bollocks.

"It became clear the brain was no longer a going concern when it proposed the 100% mortgage ban, as any functioning brain would have asked two unbelievably obvious questions.

"One – How do you stop potential home buyers just borrowing the difference? And B – How are you supposed to save up for a deposit when your electricity bill makes you pass out and half a pound of Tesco butter costs ninety-four fucking pence?"

He added: "Much of this brain is utterly useless. I suppose if you were very hungry you could spread it on toast, or you could use chunks of it to plug the leaks in an old canoe.

"I'm hoping that Virgin will rescue the bit that doesn't understand how anything works and turn it into a radio station. And we may also be able to get a few quid for the bit that pretends to like football."