Olympians will eat burgers during events

OLYMPIC athletes will be required to consume McDonalds food while competing, it has emerged.

The fast food giant sponsor has stipulated that participants must ‘eat and compete’, which means consuming at least three burger meals during their events.

On a practical level, this mean swimmers will have specially waterproofed Big Macs inserted into their mouths at the end of each lap, while in relay events the baton will be replaced by a McChicken Sandwich.

Sprinters, meanwhile, will be expected to run while carrying a food-laden plastic tray and face disqualification if they spill their Fanta.

London 2012 boss Lord Coe said: “The Olympics is all about challenge, and what bigger challenge than throwing a javelin while chewing a mouthful of fries?

“And I’m sure our 100 metre sprinters will be spurred on to further greatness by the thought of a delicious Twix McFlurry waiting for them at the finishing line.”

Shot putter Roy Hobbs said: “I just want to know whether the ‘eat and compete’ plans include desserts because if each athlete has to wait for their Apple Pie to cool down it could make for some seriously long days.”

McDonalds has confirmed that competitors in the shooting and archery events will be provided with an ample supply of napkins, to avoid greasy finger-related deaths.



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Relief as Britons allowed to water their swamps

THOUSANDS of relieved gardeners are finally able to water the swamp-like areas attached to their houses, as the hosepipe ban is lifted.

Many homeowners had been concerned that, unless the ban was lifted soon, they would be unable to keep their lawns submerged to the depth required to support larger marine life like catfish and snapping turtles.

Accountant and keen gardener Nathan Muir said: “With only 38 inches of rainfall since January, the mangrove region of our garden, which I navigate with a type of one-man hovercraft, was beginning to dry out very slightly and the alligators which arrived in February were getting a little bit irritable.

“If only the ban had been lifted a little earlier I might still have a pet dog and a left arm below the elbow, but better late than never.”

Julian Cook, a retired doctor living in Devon, said: “If I fill the garage with water then open the door, I can ride the wave on my canoe past the first few rafts of feral starving children and my wife can pick off the rest with a high-pressure hose.

“That might give me a chance of reaching the ruins of the supermarket, where I can skin-dive for precious cans of food.”

The lifting of the ban has triggered a kind of watering mania among some homeowners, who are hosing with wild abandon their gardens, cars, carpets, laptops, and priceless stamp collections.

Housewife Carolyn Ryan of Durham  said: “The ground floor of my house is already four feet under water thanks to torrential rain, but it was missing something.

“Now I can wade out to get the hose, hook it up to the bathroom tap and create a beautiful cascading water feature down the stairs.

“Plus I just watered a horse, for the sheer hell of it.”