Police braced for velodrome stampede

LONDON police are urging people not to travel to the newly-opened Olympic Velodrome amid overcrowding fears.

Queues began forming early last autumn and by this morning an estimated 800,000 people had flocked to watch a sporting version of commuting inside a barn in the middle of a building site in the roughest part of London.

In the rain.

Pushbike enthusiast Wayne Hayes said: “I can’t believe they only put 6,000 seats in the pleasuredome because who wouldn’t want to watch Chris Hoy and… er… the other one that does the cereal advert.

“Still, at just seventeen and a half grand per seat, I’m sure it’ll soon pay for itself with the many thousands of riding-a-bike events that we famously love in this country.”

Crowd control officer Stephen Malley said: “So far we’ve managed to set up an emergency food and medical supply tent for the influx of visitors who just want to be near this magnificent cathedral to wheelies.

“Imagine the refugee camps during the Rwandan civil war but with them all wearing dayglo crash helmets and lycra.”

Emperor of the Olympics, Lord Coe, has apologised for creating such a pandemonium of excitement and has promised the scenes will not be repeated when the Lee Valley White Water Centre opens in Spring with police warning thousands could drown in the hysteric rush to get a glimpse of a canoe.

Coe said: “This proves Britain is a nation that loves a wide spectrum of sporting events, that isn’t just obsessed with the antics of 22 perverts kicking a ball, and that the Olympic stadia will not be windswept echoing monuments to hubris come August 13th 2012.”



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Police disturb illegal lake monster fighting gang

CONSTABLES called to a nocturnal disturbance in Windermere found a group of men cheering two battling plesiosaurs, it has emerged.

The gang fled, but one of the monsters was so badly hurt that it had to be put down.

Plesiosaurs, although harmless to humans and labradors, are territorial and will fight other dinosaurs if they are introduced to their lake.

In recent years criminal gangs have begun exploiting this instinct by removing creatures from their native regions and transporting them to another body of water where a plesiosaur is known to reside.

PC Roy Hobbs said: “Lake monster fighting is a growing trend among the criminal underclass who either wager large sums of money on the outcome or simply enjoy the bloodthirsty spectacle of huge saurian beasts ripping chunks out of each other.

“Either way, they go to a considerable amount of trouble as the logistics of capturing and transporting a dinosaur are far from straightforward.

“Usually they will go to a lake or loch and lob in a dead sheep containing an anchor which sticks in the monster’s throat. Then they reel it in, like a massive carp, and stick it in a big tank of water on the back of a lorry.

“Often they simply die in transit because it’s not proper lake water.

“Makes you sick really.”

He added: “We took a number of close up photos of the dead dinosaur to use as evidence but they came out blurry and indistinct, like always.

“Obviously you expect that but it’s still frustrating.”