Professional football sickened by FIFA’s culture of greed

THE world of professional football has expressed its outrage at the ‘sickening’ greed of FIFA officials.

Players and managers said football was about perfecting a beautiful game and to pursue money so crudely was extremely distasteful.

Wayne Rooney, who is paid £50 per match plus his bus fare at Manchester United, said: “I train every day and then go home to my little terraced house, meanwhile these FIFA guys are buying huge mansions.

“They’re driving around in Bentleys while me and my wife Coleen look through the Littlewoods catalogue at all the things we would like to buy one day. Sometimes life is a struggle, but overall we’re very happy.”

Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo added: “Playing football is a great way to unwind after spending all week working on my uncle’s fishing boat. FIFA has lost touch with the simple life of the ordinary man.

“Of course it would be nice to be paid a bit more by Real Madrid, but I’m not complaining because I make enough money from gutting sardines. I now have a small flat and a moped.”

Chelsea manager and part-time coffee shop barista, Jose Mourinho, said: “I met one of these FIFA guys once. He was really flaunting his wealth to the point where I did start to get a bit jealous.

“But then I went back to my room at the Holiday Inn Express, opened a packet of complimentary shortbread and realised I was the luckiest man in the world.”

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Labour hopefuls face sandwich-off

LABOUR’S leadership candidates will be tested on their ability to eat some chewy meat between two slices of bread.

Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper, Liz Kendall and Mary Creagh will be each presented with bacon sandwiches and given 90 seconds to eat them while being filmed from 18 different angles.

National executive committee Angela Eagle said: “The bacon sandwich is the only thing that matters to British people, so we’ve got to get this right.

“Yvette Cooper’s a nibbler, which makes her seem stand-offish and part of the Westminster bubble, and Liz Kendall uses far too much brown sauce which causes her to pull a vinegar face. Mary Creagh put hers in her handbag and took it home.

“Meanwhile, Andy Burnham’s being trained by John Prescott so make sure you’re at least 20 feet away when he gets going so you don’t get covered in bits.”

Political analyst Julian Cook said: “The contest will be won by whoever eats their sandwich in an aspirational way. Like everyone else, I have no idea what that means.”