Red Sox Owner Fulfills Boyhood Passion For Whingeing Thieves

THE owner of the Boston Red Sox has fulfilled a life-long ambition of surrounding himself with thousands of whining bastards who want to steal his car.

As he took over Liverpool FC, John W Henry said it was a day he had dreamed of since he was a boy standing at the docks in Boston listening to Scousers getting off the boat and moaning about how they hadn’t found anything worth thieving yet.

He added: “Boston was a gateway for generations of immigrants. The Irish, so filled with violent hate and magical bullshit. The Scots, so angry, so eye-wateringly pungent – and even the odd Welshman, who then had to pretend to be Irish to avoid being tossed into the harbour.

“But it was always the Liverpudlians who fascinated me the most, with their disgusting accents, their mind-numbingly pathetic sense of humour and their transparent desire to steal everything my family owned.

“I thought to myself, ‘one day I want to spend a huge amount of time with these people’.

“‘I want to place myself at the heart of their community and spend hours and hours listening to their childish demands in a room where everything is bolted to the floor’.”

Henry has achieved consistent levels of success with the Boston Red Sox and has pledged to bring the same trophy-winning approach to Liverpool by instructing the team to play baseball.

Manager Roy Hodgson said: “I’m happy to give it a go. We’re not really set up for football here any more. So is it the one that’s like rounders, or is it the one with all the giant black fellas?”

He added: “Oh gosh, look at them big leather mittens. What do you suppose they do? I think Tommy Trinder might have had one of those.”



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Hastings Pier Symbolic Of Something

THE smouldering shell that was once Hastings Pier is almost certainly symbolic of something or other, it has been confirmed.

Forensic symbologists will today begin sifting through the charred debris in a bid to discover what it all means and what it can teach us about ourselves, with preliminary results expected by the end of the month.

The Victorian pleasure jetty caught fire early yesterday forcing a succession of Sky News presenters to ask middle aged men in bow ties and tweed jackets about Punch and Judy, fish and chips and a simpler, more innocent age where your could call someone a picaninny without being arrested by some dirty great lesbian homo.

Dr Julian Cook, director of the Institute of Applied Forensic Symbology and author of Blazing Piers and How to Interpret Them, said: “Oh yes, this is tremendously symbolic. The reason you can tell is because it’s so large and so badly burned.

“If someone had set fire to a small part of a model of Hastings Pier it wouldn’t have been very symbolic at all.”

He added: “It could represent the death of the traditional English seashell or it may even be a stark metaphor for Britain’s general post-war decline. But my initial hunch is that it’s all very, very sexual.”

Roy Hobbs, 82, from Bexhill, said: “I remember when I was a nipper and my old dad would take us down to the pier on a Saturday morning. We’d buy an ice cream cone from a picaninny and then have a ride on the waltzers.

“And then I’d try to set fire to the whole fucking place.”

He added: “I think it’s symbolic of why we don’t build very large things almost entirely out of wood any more. But I’m just an old man.”