THE owner of the Boston Red Sox has fulfilled a life-long ambition of surrounding himself with thousands of whining bastards who want to steal his car.
As he took over Liverpool FC, John W Henry said it was a day he had dreamed of since he was a boy standing at the docks in Boston listening to Scousers getting off the boat and moaning about how they hadn’t found anything worth thieving yet.
He added: “Boston was a gateway for generations of immigrants. The Irish, so filled with violent hate and magical bullshit. The Scots, so angry, so eye-wateringly pungent – and even the odd Welshman, who then had to pretend to be Irish to avoid being tossed into the harbour.
“But it was always the Liverpudlians who fascinated me the most, with their disgusting accents, their mind-numbingly pathetic sense of humour and their transparent desire to steal everything my family owned.
“I thought to myself, ‘one day I want to spend a huge amount of time with these people’.
“‘I want to place myself at the heart of their community and spend hours and hours listening to their childish demands in a room where everything is bolted to the floor’.”
Henry has achieved consistent levels of success with the Boston Red Sox and has pledged to bring the same trophy-winning approach to Liverpool by instructing the team to play baseball.
Manager Roy Hodgson said: “I’m happy to give it a go. We’re not really set up for football here any more. So is it the one that’s like rounders, or is it the one with all the giant black fellas?”
He added: “Oh gosh, look at them big leather mittens. What do you suppose they do? I think Tommy Trinder might have had one of those.”