Relegations fail to reduce football

TEAMS relegated on the final day of the Premier League season will only be replaced by different ones, it has emerged.

West Ham, Birmingham City and Blackpool were all asked to play football next season in another league while three clubs from the league the relegated teams are going to will play 38 premier league matches over a nine-moth period.

They are then expected to once again swap places with West Ham, Birmingham City and Blackpool as football threatens to go on for ever and ever and ever.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “These relegations would initially seem like a thinning-out of weak, dreadful football but instead the teams are replaced in blatant defiance of nature.

“We are tinkering with the very stuff of life here and – if we are lucky – we will live to regret it.”

He added: “I have now written to the Football Association demanding that the league gets smaller each year until there’s only one team left and we can all get on with our lives. Even if it turns out to be Manchester City.”

Hayes also attacked Uefa’s decision to stage another tournament in 2012 to establish who the best team in Europe is, despite the fact Spain won the World Cup less than a year ago.

He said: “It’s almost like they’re playing football for the sake of it. It sickens me.”

Meanwhile, Sky and the BBC are to send viewers a new set-top box in time for next season which will deliver pin-sharp, high definition images of everything except QPR boss Neil Warnock.

A BBC spokesman said: “It would be like thrusting a broken bottle in Britain’s weeping face.”



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Lawyers to offer cut price super-injunctions

LAWYERS have been forced to cut the price of super-injunctions by up to 75 per cent after it emerged they do not really work.

A host of actors and premier league footballers, including Ryan Giggs obviously, have taken their super-injuction back to the lawmongers where they bought it and asked for a refund.

With the market in the doldrums Britain’s lawyers are now offering Super Injunction Lite, which lasts for about 20 minutes but costs just £12,000, or an own-brand ‘value’ super injunction which is virtually useless but is only £6.50 or two for a tenner.

Denys Finch-Hatton QC said: “Times are tough. People do not have much money and those that do and have been fucking someone behind their wife’s back are demanding real value for their cover-up pound.

“I am currently offering a really nice injunction – very clean – for £10,000 that will cover everything expect the internet.”

He added: “It is starting to feel like I’ve got a warehouse full of Betamax video tapes.”

Meanwhile Ryan Giggs said: “I got it home and within a week it had stopped working. I checked for a troubleshooting guide at the back of the instruction booklet, but there wasn’t one.

“It was almost as if they were saying it could not possibly go wrong.”

He added: “I just think British made super-injunctions are really poor quality. So in future, if I am going to have sex with Imogen Thomas again, I think I’ll just offer her the money up front and get her to sign a confidentiality agreement.

“It’s not terribly erotic but it’s got to be cheaper than fucking about with lawyers.”