Roads not a velodrome

BRITAIN’S roads are not a specialist cycle racing facility, it has been confirmed.

The country’s highways are currently being defiled by large groups of emotionless people with huge waxed legs to stage weekend cycle competitions on the country’s highways.

However officials have confirmed that roads are really designed for travel rather than amateur sporting events involving large clusters of wobbly people.

A government spokesman said: “Since Roman times, roads have been principally for the transportation of people and goods from point A to point B, rather than for buggering about on.

“Cycling is fine if you’re going on a legitimate journey, but if you’re just pointlessly ‘testing yourself’ against a group of similarly bored accountants it would be really good to keep that to a designated facility.

“You know those oval-shaped tracks you see on the Olympics, the ones that are designed for, and used exclusively for, bike racing? Well, you can book one for an hourly rate, it’s quite affordable if everyone in a group chips in.”

Car driver Emma Bradford said: “I find cycle race people rather hard to like, except the fat one who’s miles behind all the others, I feel sorry for him and admire his tenacity.”

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Britain backs Farage plan to move country to alternate universe

BRITAIN is backing Nigel Farage’s plan to send the country through a wormhole to an alternate universe where everything is perfect forever.

The Ukip leader demolished self-styled deputy prime minister Nick Clegg in a televised debate after pledging to create a cosmic portal in the time it takes to make a Victoria sponge.

He said: “Once through the wormhole life will be fantastic. Everyone will have a job except housewives. Men will be attracted to women and vice-versa. And, best of all, Britain will be the only country in the universe.”

He added: “The other great thing about the wormhole is that it makes everyone white and sound like they’re from Basingstoke.

“You can still have all your black and foreign friends they just won’t be black or foreign anymore. So there’ll be no more of the unpleasantness and racism will have been defeated.

“And all this from one simple wormhole.”

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “As I listened to Nigel I suddenly thought to myself ‘Wormhole! Of course’.

“And then I realised that Cameron, Clegg and Miliband already know about The Wormhole and they live in Perfect Britain but keep it secret and come back through The Wormhole to gloat at us and ruin our lives.”

He added: “Wormhole