WAYNE Rooney has pledged to remain at Old Trafford next season, completely immobile and immortalised in brass.
The England striker has moved to quash speculation that he may find a new club this summer, instead insisting that he will stay with Manchester United, albeit in a strictly ornamental sense.
Jose Mourinho said: “Over the years, we’ve seen Rooney’s role evolve from a goal-getting striker to a deep-lying forward to a bench warmer, so it makes sense that his next move is to become an inanimate cast outside the club shop.
“People could hang their umbrellas on his arm.
“Of course there will be some nostalgia as Wayne is slowly entombed in his mould and coated in 200-degree celsius molten brass, but despite his screams of agony we all know it’s a great opportunity for him.”
Rooney said: “It’s a real sign of faith in my ability to maintain one position for an indefinite period of time.”