Rooney to stay at Old trafford as statue outside club shop

WAYNE Rooney has pledged to remain at Old Trafford next season, completely immobile and immortalised in brass.

The England striker has moved to quash speculation that he may find a new club this summer, instead insisting that he will stay with Manchester United, albeit in a strictly ornamental sense.

Jose Mourinho said: “Over the years, we’ve seen Rooney’s role evolve from a goal-getting striker to a deep-lying forward to a bench warmer, so it makes sense that his next move is to become an inanimate cast outside the club shop.

“People could hang their umbrellas on his arm.

“Of course there will be some nostalgia as Wayne is slowly entombed in his mould and coated in 200-degree celsius molten brass, but despite his screams of agony we all know it’s a great opportunity for him.”

Rooney said: “It’s a real sign of faith in my ability to maintain one position for an indefinite period of time.”

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'Confident' people actually just a bit pissed

THE only way to be charming and self-assured is to be a little bit drunk the whole time, it has been confirmed.

Researchers found that people who claim they have natural confidence or have worked hard to achieve self-esteem are just tipsy and therefore have fewer inhibitions about looking like an arse.

Confident person Emma Bradshaw said: “I have risen quickly through the ranks in my career, impressing managers and colleagues alike with my go-getting attitude towards making bold decisions and not being afraid to speak my mind.

“I tell people  I read a self-help book about unleashing my inner tiger, or some other bullshit, but the truth is that I have a glass of Merlot with breakfast every morning.

“Making bold decisions and speaking your mind makes you look like an absolute knob down the pub, whereas in the office I look like Erin Brockovich crossed with Elizabeth I.

“Of course, it’s a fine line between feeling confident and calling Elaine from accounts a heffer in a pinafore dress before being sick in the bin.”

Bradshaw’s manager Martin Bishop said: “We know Emma’s drunk. But we’re all drunk too.”