Voter who liked Labour policy slapping himself around the face

A VOTER who thought a policy in Labour’s manifesto sounded ‘attractive’ is slapping his own face repeatedly and telling himself to ‘wake up’. 

Tom Logan, 38, was horrified at his own positive reaction to the abolition of tuition fees, calling it ‘levelling the playing field for talent’ before calling himself a ‘irresponsible dickhead’ moments later.

Catching himself a solid blow on the right side of his face, Logan said: “Get real, you idiot.

“You think Britain can afford handouts to every lazy millennial who fancies a three-year holiday and a gender studies degree?

“Yes, but you benefited from it. I said SHUT UP!

“These policies are promises that haven’t been costed. Like Brexit, you mean? No, that’s different. Because it’s different, that’s why.

“You’re an adult now, and you vote for the fiscally sensible party. The ones who’ve increased the national debt to record levels.”

He added: “Silence! Corbyn’s a nutter!”

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Food banks 'being abused by dole scroungers’, confirms man's fevered imagination

PEOPLE only use food banks so they can spend their benefits on fags and booze, according to a man who has imagined the problem thoroughly.

Bill McKay uncovered the shocking abuse of the system by combining vague accusations from tabloid newspapers with his ability to make things up.

McKay said: “It’s obvious people won’t buy food if you can go to a food bank and say, ‘I’ll have a 12-inch pepperoni and some Haagen-Dazs for afters’. That’s just logic.

“I can easily imagine an unemployed family getting back from the food bank and going, ‘Ha ha, look at all those idiots who work for a living! Come on, let’s buy some lager!’.

“I don’t actually know anyone who uses a food bank, but I’m pretty well-informed because I watch Channel 5’s Benefits UK: Idle Bastards on the Scrounge.”

McKay has now informed the authorities about the fraud by writing an incoherent post entirely in capital letters on a local newspaper website.