San Marino blasted for playing ringer

ENGLAND football manager Roy Hodgson has attacked San Marino for sneaking a professional onto the field.

Hodgson said that fielding midfielder Mirko Palazzi, who is neither a butcher or a postman but plays for Rimini in Italy’s Lega Pro Seconda Divisione, was against the spirit of the Euro qualifying match.

He continued: “I’d promised the lads this was an amusing walkover against amateurs, and then they’re confronted with this basic level of competence.

“When Jack Wilshire can’t get past a player who works full-time as a piano tuner, he comforts himself by imagining the man’s risen to the big occasion.

“But when he can’t get past a player with 82 appearances for teams in Italy’s Serie D, he knows he’s just shit.”

England’s Kieran Gibbs admitted asking opposing players if they can get him work in San Marino’s banking industry if this football thing keeps on not working out.

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Non-smokers have no way to signal that sex is over

THE decline of smoking has left many Britons unsure when sex has finished.

80 per cent of the population are now non-smokers, with many now finding lovemaking confusingly open-ended.

Susan Traherne of Reading said: “Without sparking a fag there’s no way to draw a line between the sweaty beasts you were a moment ago and that nice couple who keep their garden neat.

“Technically the following day is still sex time so I can’t put proper pyjamas on, he’s still holding farts in, the whole thing is just so awkward.

“I now class my commute, working day and lunchtime sandwich as intimately post-coital.”

Office worker Roy Hobbs said: “Sex without cigarettes is like one of those American TV shows that gets cancelled at the end of the second season.

“Like that cowboy one with Ian McShane in it, it just stops rather abruptly. I need closure, dammit.”