Shock Ads To Show Dangers Of Texting While Competing In Track And Field Events

THE potentially fatal consequences of texting while competing in track and field events will be highlighted in a series of shocking adverts.

The government campaign, featuring Dame Kelly Holmes, follows a spate of recent accidents, including the Havant Sixth Form College tragedy where text-engrossed teenagers threw 18 javelins into the spectators' area, killing a middle aged man and damaging a Slush-Puppy machine beyond repair.

Tom Logan, deputy director of the British Athletics Association, said: "Last month a talented young triple-jumper from Peterborough was trying to send a text during his run-up.

"He sprinted straight past the pit and crashed into a greenhouse a quarter of a mile away. He was cut to ribbons."

He added: "It starts with a relay team texting each other mid-race about how soon they will be arriving with the baton and it ends up with some poor lad throwing a shot-put in his own face."

The hard-hitting adverts show a young girl texting while throwing a discus. The image freeze and the message, 'Juz thnk abt wht ur doin' flashes across the screen.

The film continues as the girl throws the discus in the wrong direction, bringing down a local crop dusting aircraft which crashes into an ice-cream van. The film ends with the sobering message, 'Now ur soz rnt u'.

Mid-event messaging has also invaded the world of Formula One where Rubens Barrichello almost lost control of his car after being forwarded nauseating images from by Brawn teammate Jenson Button during last month's Belgian Grand Prix.

A Brawn spokesman said: "Rubens had sick all over the inside of his helmet and couldn't see where he was going."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Rural Folk Turn To Porn Pigeons

PEOPLE in rural areas with poor internet access are receiving their pictures of vaginas by courier pigeon.

The birds, which are housed in the lofts of major LA porn studios, relay hardcore pornography via USB sticks and rolled-up photographs inserted into their backsides.

They land outside the home offices or sheds of subscribers to the service and are also trained to be completely non-judgemental.

One subscriber from the Peak District said: "They have provided me with my own dedicated pigeon, Icarus, who visits me weekly with a memory stick containing the images of bareback double anal that are my particular pecadillo.

"After viewing the films I strap a tenner to his wing with an elastic band and gently re-insert the USB stick using a touch of Swarfega."

He added: "People say it's a hassle but when I was a boy I crossed three counties to look at a torn photocopy of a page from Razzle that a cousin's friend's brother had hidden in an orchard.

"Back then, if I had been able to find hours of extreme pornography up a pigeon, I'd have thought all my Christmases had come at once. I suppose it's a generational thing."

But said 'Terry E' of Suffolk said: "My wife got suspicious and secretly bought a hawk. I got up one morning and the lawn was strewn with feathers and pictures of splayed bumholes. Busted.

"But I still think it's a great system overall. You could probably use the same principle to replicate other functions of home internet access. Whatever they are."