South Africa To Send Every Football Fan £200 And An Apology

AS spending on the World Cup spirals out of control, South Africa has decided to cancel the tournament and write every supporter a cheque instead.

Project planners have estimated the overspend on squad accommodation alone could have kept 320 Nelson Mandelas incarcerated for an extra 500 years.

A spokesman said: “We’ll send everyone a DVD of highlights of World Cup ’90 because that was quite a good one.

“And what with flights, accommodation and carjacking I’m sure they’d rather stay at home and avoid all the hassle.”

All ticket holders will be contacted shortly to arrange their £200 payment and will be offered a mini World Cup experience featuring the chance for fans to get violently drunk in the comfort of their own home.

The spokesman added: “We can get half a dozen blokes to blow those irritating little trumpets outside your house for a couple of hours, have somebody pinch your passport and lay on a load of garden furniture for you to vomit over and then throw through your own patio doors.”

Meanwhile organisers of the London 2012 Olympics are flying to South Africa to discuss methods of wasting vast amounts of money more efficiently.

Initial ideas include building a 40,000 seater stadium where 10,000 people can watch eight people ride their bikes, as well as a giant onyx statue of Sebastian Coe doing judo with William Hague.


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Brown Now Dicking About With Fish And Chips

GORDON Brown last night added the size of chip shop chips to his list of things to dick about with.

As the government's healthy eating experts told chip shops to increase the size of their chips by 32.7%, across the county 58 million people said 'oh for the love of fucking Christ' in perfect unison.

A spokesman for the Food Standards Agency said chips 32.7% bigger than average have less saturated fat, can form part of a balanced diet and blah, blah, fucking blah, his whiny little voice piercing the stillness like a red hot needle of unbelievably annoying dickishness.

Looking all serious, he added: "Myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh."

Helen Archer, a mother of two who has voted Labour since 1997 and enjoys a deep fried cod at the weekend, said: "I'm sorry Gordon, I just can't do this any more."

And Charlie Reeves, a chip eater from Stevenage, said: "What are you doing? Seriously, what do you think you're doing?"

"I've had a hard day at work and I am just trying to have a bag of chips, you utter fucking prick."

He added: "I'm telling you right now – fuck the deficit, the environment, Afghanistan and the NHS. I will vote for whichever politician says this exact sentence – 'Chip shops can serve chips in whatever size they want'.

"I'm so tired."

Meanwhile, in a small cafe in Doncaster, van driver Martin Bishop placed his knife and fork gently next to his plate of haddock and chips, dragged his hands wearily down his face and added: "What? What the fuck is it now?

"Oh Jesus Christ, can I just have my dinner? I'm begging you. Can I just. Please. Have. My fucking. Dinner?"