AS spending on the World Cup spirals out of control, South Africa has decided to cancel the tournament and write every supporter a cheque instead.
Project planners have estimated the overspend on squad accommodation alone could have kept 320 Nelson Mandelas incarcerated for an extra 500 years.
A spokesman said: “We’ll send everyone a DVD of highlights of World Cup ’90 because that was quite a good one.
“And what with flights, accommodation and carjacking I’m sure they’d rather stay at home and avoid all the hassle.”
All ticket holders will be contacted shortly to arrange their £200 payment and will be offered a mini World Cup experience featuring the chance for fans to get violently drunk in the comfort of their own home.
The spokesman added: “We can get half a dozen blokes to blow those irritating little trumpets outside your house for a couple of hours, have somebody pinch your passport and lay on a load of garden furniture for you to vomit over and then throw through your own patio doors.”
Meanwhile organisers of the London 2012 Olympics are flying to South Africa to discuss methods of wasting vast amounts of money more efficiently.
Initial ideas include building a 40,000 seater stadium where 10,000 people can watch eight people ride their bikes, as well as a giant onyx statue of Sebastian Coe doing judo with William Hague.